


Bad To You

by shoyoboke



Category: Haikyuu!!, ハイパープロジェクション演劇「ハイキュー!!」| Hyper Projection Play "Haikyuu!!" RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 58
Words: 33,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoyoboke/pseuds/shoyoboke
Summary: Oikawa Tooru can’t stand his underclassman Kageyama Tobio, and wants to see him suffer. However, his plan to make Tobio miserable quickly makes him realise how thin the line between love and hate really is.(If you're scared of starting this because it seems incredibly long, don't worry, the chapters are tiny)
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Sugawara Koushi, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, kenma - Relationship
Comments: 263
Kudos: 406





	1. Good to Me

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters for this fanfiction will be short but updated very fast, currently I have 37 pages of this to share with the world! 
> 
> WARNING: this fanfiction involves many unhealthy and toxic traits that are often displayed in real life relationships, what you read here is not to be replicated and I hope none of this will hit close to home for anyone reading.

_Why are you only good to me when I’m bad to you?_

Oikawa caught himself staring. He realised his muscles were tense, his fists clenched so hard it hurt. He forced himself to relax, it took real effort. It felt mechanical, but he pressured himself into putting on his fake smile. 

Kageyama looked back at him, his eyes widened in surprise a little when he realised he was being observed, but he quickly relaxed and his expression went back to normal. 

“Nice receive, Tobio-chan!”, Oikawa cheered him on, the pitch of his voice much higher than usual on purpose. He hated that he had to pretend to like that brat, he felt sick cheering this monster on, but he hated himself even more with every fabricated kind word that left his mouth. It was putting a real strain on him. 

Kageyama didn’t seem to notice at all. He was nice. That was the worst, Kageyama was always nice. He never talked back, he never complained when Oikawa hurt him on purpose with harsh words, if he ever felt upset or uncomfortable due to Oikawa’s coldness when the team wasn’t there he never betrayed it - his face always remained emotionless. 

And that made Oikawa’s blood boil. He wanted to see emotion, he wanted to hurt him, make him cry, anything to see a change on Kageyama’s face, which for all he knew could have as well be made out of stone.


	2. Adoration

They continued like this until Oikawa graduated. He mocked, belittled or pretended to be nice to Kageyama, depending on his own mood. Kageyama remained nice and compliant, never saying a bad word about Oikawa. In fact, it seemed that he admired him. Admired his skills, and the atmosphere he was able to create within his team.

It made Oikawa feel nauseous whenever he thought about it, but he didn’t understand why. He loved being the centre of attention, he wanted people to admire him even when he simply breaths. So what was the issue?

In highschool Oikawa forgot about Kageyama completely. A rumour here and there reached him about the younger setter; that he was incredible for his age, that his team hated him for it. It made Oikawa happy that Kageyama was being put through a lot in middle school, but not much besides that, he focused on himself and his new team. 

Until when in his last year Kageyama reappeared in Karasuno. Seeing him again in person made Oikawa relive his own loathing for the boy from the past. What made it worse was the look of admiration in Kageyama’s eyes when he looked at him.  
_He’s better than me why does he look up to me so much?_ , he thought.  
“He looks all grown up now, huh?”, Iwaizumi commented on the side, and Oikawa knew what he meant. 

Kageyama was taller, the difference between him and Oikawa now was minimal. It pissed him off, but not as much as the fact that he was also handsome now, his blue eyes stood out to anyone that looked in his direction, contrasting with his dark hair. The orange parts of his uniform clashed with his beauty, but Oikawa could imagine that in a different outfit he would have girls throwing themselves at him left and right. 

Those thoughts irritated him.  
“Do you think he’s handsome? Tobio-chan, I mean”, Oikawa asked not looking at Iwaizumi, his muscles tensed.  
“Not really, a guy is a guy, I don’t really think about it”, Iwaizumi just shrugged. That put him on edge. 

_Was he the only one that saw him that way?_


	3. The Chase

Oikawa destroyed their team with just serves alone. Dominating over Kageyama in this way felt good, although, as always, Kageyama seemed completely unbothered, his expression remaining unchanged from before Oikawa entered the game. 

_Why does he not have an effect on him?_

“Do you think I should start dating Tobio-chan?”, he asked innocently, his whole team still around, but he was addressing Iwaizumi. He said it as if it was easy, he was the one who decided, in his mind Kageyama had no say from the start. The reactions were mixed, from confusion to laughter. It appeared like Oikawa was joking, everyone knew he hated the younger setter.  
“If you want to, I won’t judge you or anything”, Iwaizumi replied seriously, not realising how much he would regret these words in years to come. 

The chase begun. He will _make him feel something._


	4. Date

They exchanged numbers.   
Oikawa began texting him.  
More and more each day.  
Forming a friendship. 

Kageyama was polite, never questioned why Oikawa suddenly showed interest in him. Oikawa played pretend as good as ever. 

They decided to meet. It was a nice day out, they had ramen in a cozy place, Oikawa didn’t let him pay for his meal. The conversation was nice and light. They went to an ice cream place for dessert. Kageyama chose vanilla - plain and boring. Oikawa paid again. 

Their meeting was long, Oikawa carried the conversation, Kageyama replied to his questions and asked his own from time to time.  
He saw curiosity in the boys eyes and knew he felt shy in Oikawa’s presence.

_He already won._


	5. Kiss

“Would you like to do this again sometime?”, Oikawa asked smiling warmly, they were in front of Kageyama’s house.  
“As in, go out?”, Kageyama asked innocently, looking Oikawa in the eyes. He had beautiful eyes, and Oikawa felt nauseous every time he was struck by how handsome Kageyama was.  
“Yeah, like date”, Oikawa replied confidently, taking a step forward to close the gap between them, now there were mere millimetres between their bodies. Kageyama looked up at him slightly, maintaining the eye contact. 

The brunette put one of his hands against Kageyama’s cheek, it was warm, it suddenly reminded him that the boy was also made of flesh and blood just like him. 

“I think I wouldn’t mind”, was the reply the younger setter eventually uttered and Oikawa placed a small kiss on the boys lips. Kageyama’s lips felt softer than he imagined, it irritated him that the kiss was pleasurable, that he craved more as soon as he moved away. 

It felt like for the first time he saw emotions on Kageyama’s face in his entire life. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes full of uncertainty, but nevertheless, his lips formed a small honest smile.   
“Let me know when you get home”, Kageyama said, the smile still on his lips, as he turned around to walk inside.


	6. Great Idea

Oikawa was angry the whole way home. 

That little brat made his heart beat faster just for a second there. It made him hate the boy even more. 

_Was this a bad idea?_

It was a great idea.   
Two birds with one stone. Oikawa thought later, as he procrastinated on his physics homework. He’s attracted to the little shit, so what? He’s dating him now, he can get what he wants any time if he plays his cards right.

It will only hurt Tobio more in the long run.


	7. Studies

**_08:27 - “Oikawa, could you help me revise?”_** \- came a text from Kageyama. 

**_09:40 - “How comes? You never seemed too interested in your studies. Thought we could do something else ;) “_ **

**_09:42 - “I won’t be able to go to Tokyo if I don’t pass the midterms”_ **

**_10:10 - “Ah, I see, guess it can’t be helped, I will see you at mine after school then <3” _ **

Studying with Kageyama was horrifying, this boy was truly stupid.  
“Are you actually this dumb?”, Oikawa huffed frustrated, throwing his mechanical pencil on the desk in resignation. He just explained the same grammatical rule to him for the third time. Oikawa looked at Kageyama from the corner of his eye, he looked hurt, his lips pressed into a tight line.  
“Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean it”, he did.  
“Don’t worry about it, I guess it’s hard to be as smart as you, sorry for causing you so much trouble”, Kageyama said, not bitter at all, but smiling softly again. It was clear he tried to hide how much pain Oikawa's words caused him. _Why are you so good to me?_  
Oikawa didn’t reply, rephrasing his explanation instead.


	8. Birthday

It reached the summer, July 20th to be exact, Oikawa’s birthday. All day at school he was showered with gifts, cards, gift cards, and warm wishes from his friends and strangers. But then he came home and felt empty, because the house itself was also empty. He found a note on the kitchen counter and instantly lightened up - they remembered after all! 

_“Dinner is in the fridge”_

The note stated plainly, but Oikawa didn’t lose hope, maybe they got him some cake and were playing it cool. He opened the fridge in excitement.  
A simple ready meal from the convenience store waited for him inside in the middle shelf with a note that labelled it as “Oikawa’s”.

He sighed heavily, closing the fridge slowly. His parents forgot second year in a row, just as he feared all day. He could have reminded them, but felt like them remembering of their own accord would prove that they truly care. 

Clearly they didn’t. 

His phone vibrating in his front pocket was what made him move away from his fridge. An incoming call from Kageyama. The worst person to come in contact with right now. Nevertheless, he picked up.

“What’s up Tobio-chan?”  
“It’s your birthday, right? Maybe if you’re not too busy… we could hang out at some point today? I don’t mind waiting until later this week if you’re busy”, Kageyama sounded unsure as he spoke, clearly expecting to be turned down from the get go.  
“Never too busy for you Tobio-chan, I will be free in about two hours, my parents won’t be home until late this evening so feel free to stop by”, Oikawa replied after a brief pause. 

He remembered.  
Somehow it bothered Oikawa that Kageyama cared about him. 

When Kageyama came he was carrying gifts in his hands and Oikawa couldn’t be more excited. On one hand he was excited to receive so many things at once that appeared to be actually worth something compared to the gifts he got at school, on the other hand, Kageyama didn’t know him enough to get him anything good. 

Oikawa was dead wrong.  
“Is this for real? They are my size as well!”, Oikawa examined his new volleyball shoes in awe. It was exactly the model he wanted, in the exact colours he wished for.  
“How did you know I wanted these?”  
“You mentioned it once, so I worked some shifts at Ukais and got them for you”, Kageyama said, clearly proud of himself.  
“You worked for these?”, Oikawa continued to carefully examine the shoes.  
“Well, yeah, how else would I afford them”, the younger setter replied shyly. There was also a hoodie and a skin care kit Oikawa wanted.  
“There is a card too”, Kageyama said sometime later, when Oikawa was almost done admiring his gifts.

“I love you” screamed at him from the cream paper of the card. He cringed internally. He knew they were dating, but it never occurred to him that it meant Kageyama had any positive feelings towards him, or at least not to this extent.  
Nevertheless, he smiled. 

“I love you too, Tobio”, lie. It went through his throat so smoothly, when he knew he didn’t mean a single syllable of that sentence. 

He pulled Kageyama into a tight hug, pressing his face against the boys neck. He felt his body melt against the younger setters warmth, it felt good. Oikawa didn’t remember the last time he got a hug or hugged someone, he didn’t remember it feeling this pleasant. He enjoyed Kageyama’s smell, and the softness of his hoodie creating a buffer between Oikawa's body and the boys tensed muscles. Kageyama relaxed slowly and hugged back, putting his hand into Oikawa's hair. 

“Are you crying?”, Kageyama asked quietly, his tone serious.  
He was crying. He didn’t realise.  
“Yeah”, came a muffled response, Oikawa didn’t pull away to face his boyfriend.  
“Why?”  
“I just realised I didn’t get a hug in a long time”, he replied honestly, probably for the first and last time during their entire relationship.  
“We can cuddle if you want to”  
“I do”, pause, “can you stay over tonight? I lied, no one will be coming home tonight”, probably the only lie he will ever admit to in their entire relationship. 

“Yeah, I will let my mum know”, Kageyama replied, but didn’t let go of the brunette yet. Oikawa suddenly was overwhelmed by the feeling of safety and comfort and wasn’t sure how to interpret it now. Kageyama didn’t mock him for crying, he didn’t act condescending either, Oikawa would probably do both in his place. 

Is this how a relationship is supposed to make you feel? 

Probably. 

They spent a pleasant night together, falling asleep in each other’s arms. Oikawa was too emotionally exhausted to torment Kageyama.


	9. Coming Out

The peace didn’t last long.

The next day Kageyama left Oikawa’s house at stupid o’clock, it was still dark outside. He passed his parents in the driveway and was forced to go back inside immediately, as Oikawa’s mother decided it was too early in the morning or perhaps too late at night for him to head back. 

“Why did you let your friend leave so early?”, his mum asked over breakfast.  
“I didn’t”, he replied irritated, still angry at his parents for forgetting and now also at Kageyama for causing him more trouble.   
“And he’s not my friend”, he added impulsively, he felt like arguing today.   
Kageyama looked at him shocked.  
“What?, his mother turned around from the stove to face him. 

“He’s my boyfriend”, a wide smile spread on Oikawa’s face as he got hold of Kageyama’s hand that was resting on the table. 

Kageyama choked on the egg he just put into his mouth.   
“Don’t joke around like this son”, his mum turned back.   
“I’m serious”, Oikawa said sweetly.   
“I think it’s time you head back Kageyama-kun”, Oikawa mother said sternly.


	10. Worried

They argued for hours and Oikawa felt strangely excited.

His mother looked at him in disgust, his father ignored him, but Oikawa was thriving, he enjoyed this dysfunctional atmosphere more than their fake kindness. 

He looked at his mother's face, her eyes swollen from crying, her skin red in places where tears stained it for hours. 

“Does it hurt you that much that I’m gay?”, he asked happily.

She didn’t answer, but simply glared at him. He smiled brightly in return and went to his room. 

“Are you okay?”, Kageyama asked before he said hello.

Oikawa had 12 missed calls from him, so he called back instantly, a feeling of sudden worry for the boy overwhelmed him. Then he realised that he had no reason to feel that way and cursed himself for caring about Tobio, when he’s meant to hate him.

“I’m fine, how are you?”   
“I’m okay, it’s just that… why did you tell your mother?”   
“I just wanted to. She should know.”  
“Doesn’t she hate you now?”  
“Our relationship remains unchanged if that’s what you’re worried about, we were never close”, Oikawa didn’t realise how sad his tone was when he said that.   
“I’m sorry”  
“It’s not your fault”  
“Yeah, I’m not apologising for that”   
“I see”

Oikawa hanged up without saying goodbye.


	11. Guilty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on the work becomes more fragmented and focuses on specific moments in their relationship.

They continued dating after Oikawa graduated.   
He forgot about Kageyama’s birthday, or rather ignored him that day on purpose. 

**_21:40- it’s my birthday today  
23:02- happy birthday, sorry, I was busy all day_ **

He expected Kageyama to break up with him. He would in his place. 

**_23:20- I understand, don’t worry about it_**

Oikawa threw his phone across his dorm room. He was at university now, studying physics. Kageyama was still in Miyagi. Did he really love him so much? 

He felt guilty now.


	12. Confession

“Tobio, I missed you”, he said as he pulled the boy in closer.   
They stood in the middle of Kageyama’s corridor. He really did miss him, which he felt terrible about, but couldn’t conceal from himself anymore. He hated Kageyama and everything he stood for, but at the same time he grew accustomed to his company.

“I missed you too Tooru”, came a muffled response, Kageyama buried his face in Oikawa’s shoulder. 

Tooru… Oikawa felt warmth spreading across his stomach, it was a good feeling. He should be disgusted at the way Tobio says his name - with adoration - but instead he felt excited and the sensation disturbed him.   
“I like when you say my name”, he muttered into Kageyama’s hair.   
“I love you Tooru”, Kageyama tightened their embrace. 

His phone vibrated. More than once. It was an incoming call.

“Pick up”, Oikawa ordered.  
“I don’t want to”  
“Just do it, it’s fine”  
The call was from Hinata, Kageyama saw.   
“I can’t talk right now”, Kageyama said as soon as he picked up, his voice as cold and neutral as ever. That reminded Oikawa that he’s being treated so much differently by Kageyama now, it felt good. 

Was he falling in love with him? 

“Ah, but Kageyama you promised meeee, please come!”, Oikawa heard the voice on the line say.  
“I didn’t promise anything”   
“You did, come ooon”  
“I’m on a date now, stop bothering me”  
“On a date?! With who?! I’m so jealous!”

Kageyama hanged up.  
“Who was that?”  
“Hinata, the wing spiker on my team”  
“Why is he jealous?”  
“He’s short”, Kageyama said as if that answered the question.  
“What did you promise him?”, Oikawa’s voice was ice cold.   
“Nothing. What’s wrong?”   
“I don’t know, I moved away for a few months and suddenly you’re super close with some other guy”, Oikawa shrugged.  
“I’ve always been close to Hinata, he’s my rival”, Kageyama replied calmly, but it didn’t help his case at all.   
“Oh, yeah, fair enough, you’re always close to all your rivals, I should know since I was your former rival too”, Oikawa’s tone made Kageyama freeze, what was he insinuating?   
“Are you trying to say that I’m fucking with Hinata now or something? Do you think my feelings for you are that fragile?”, Kageyama moved away, further into the corridor.   
“Why are you acting all hurt? Don’t play the victim, I’m hurt here!”, Oikawa shouted dramatically, and only realised what he said later. 

He was hurt. 

Because Tobio had so many other friends than him now, friends that cared for him and loved him. 

“I want you all to myself”, the brunette said after a while, and pulled Kageyama back into a hug by his wrist, hurting the boy a little in the process. 

It felt like a confession. He really did have feelings for Kageyama after all, he just wasn’t sure what kind. The younger boy didn’t reply, but tightened their embrace instead.


	13. Jealousy

Oikawa came back to Miyagi often to visit Kageyama during their school years. Monitoring him closely. 

Kageyama was in his third year of high school now, it was clear that he won’t be taking entrance exams to any universities. 

“I don’t want you to hang around with him outside of practice”, Oikawa said one day suddenly.   
“With Hinata?”  
“Yeah”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t like the way he looks at you”  
“Like what?”  
“He’s into you, it’s obvious”  
“I don’t think so, he’s friendly like that with everyone”  
“I don’t care, I don’t want him near you”   
“Why is this such a big deal?”  
“Why is it not? Would you like it if some other guy came onto me and I acted all happy about it?”  
“How is he coming onto me? How am I happy?”  
“I don’t care! It’s either me or him. I’m going”, Oikawa turned on his heel and begun walking towards his car. He did an internship over summer at a research centre and bought it with the money he earned there.   
“Wait!”, Kageyama grabbed his wrist.   
“What?”  
“It’s always you, you know that”, Kageyama said looking at the ground.   
“Good”, Oikawa decided coldly and pulled Kageyama back to the car with him.


	14. Moving

They moved in together. Everything told Oikawa that it wasn’t a good decision. It was a big decision for sure. But Oikawa already had his place in Tokyo, big enough for two, so why not? He already decided that he will be doing a masters degree, it works out in his favour. 

_Why can’t you just break up instead?_

He pushed that thought away. He could. He wasn’t ready yet. He didn’t want to be alone again now that he was used to having Kageyama around. It felt safe and sort of pleasant. 

He didn’t mind sharing his space with Kageyama either, the boy was fairly clean and knew how to cook. They shared a bed throughout their whole relationship, the prospect of doing it every night now excited him instead of revolting, and it took him aback a little.

He was in love with Tobio after all.


	15. Taller

Kageyama was taller, Oikawa didn’t realise when he surpassed him in height, but now that he noticed that Kageyama leans in to kiss him it pissed him off.

He turned his head away. 

“You okay?”, Kageyama asked sheepishly. A wet towel hanged from his arm, left there from when he was drying his hair.   
“You’re gonna get me wet”, Oikawa replied moving away.


	16. Consent

They haven’t had sex before. It seemed like a ridiculous amount of time to wait, but it wasn’t Oikawa who was waiting so he didn’t mind. It was only 3 years for him, the whole of high school for Kageyama. 

“Is this okay?”, Tobio was looking down on him, moving his hand lower until he reached the band of Oikawa’s boxers.   
“Why do you even ask? It ruins the mood, just do it”, Oikawa blurred out irritated.   
“I would rather ruin the mood than hurt you, seems like it’s all fine though”, as he said that Kageyama simultaneously reached into Oikawa’s underwear, a playful smile staining his lips.

He changed since middle school and it felt like Oikawa just noticed it - Kageyama wasn’t shy and delicate anymore.   
He realised he always seemed to look through Kageyama, it felt like he didn’t know anything about him.

Oikawa grabbed both of Kageyama’s wrists fast and sat up quickly throwing the boy off balance, he guided Tobio to fall under him on the bed and pinned him down. Kageyama chuckled, but Oikawa’s expression wasn’t playful at all.   
“Don’t get so cocky now”


	17. Contract

“Tooru!”, Kageyama ran into the living room in the most ridiculous way, drifting on the wooden floor and almost tripping himself up as he made a drastic turn to face Oikawa. 

“What is it?”, Tooru snapped, looking up at him from the research paper he’s been working at non stop since Wednesday. It was Saturday morning.   
“Read this”, Kageyama put an unfolded letter, covering all of Oikawa’s secondary material with it, which irritated the brunette. 

He scheme read the letter, but then realised its contents and read it properly from top to bottom. 

V-league. Schweiden Adlers. A professional team. Kageyama got offered a contract.

“So?”, he looked back up at Kageyama expectedly.   
“Aren’t you going to say anything?”, Tobio was smiling, beaming with pride. Why did he need to throw that all in Oikawa’s face now?   
“No, fuck off, I need to finish this”, his tone ice cold, he crumbled up the letter into a ball and threw it behind him.   
Kageyama didn’t move, he was still looking at Oikawa, astounded, frozen.   
“I really hate you sometimes”, it was loud and clear and came from Tobio, Oikawa didn’t expect this. Kageyama turned to walk away, his enthusiasm vanished by now.   
“Say it again”, Oikawa grabbed the boys wrist, squeezing it way too hard.   
“SAY IT AGAIN”, he repeated, tightening the grip even more. He saw Kageyama’s free hand twitch in the corner of his eye. 

He froze suddenly unable to comprehend what happened. He touched his cheek, it was warm. Did Tobio really just slap him?   
“Don’t touch me”, Kageyama pulled his wrist free and went into their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. 

Oikawa couldn’t care less, he went back to writing his paper.


	18. Parallels

They haven’t talked for two days. Oikawa was thriving in this negative atmosphere, it reminded him of home somehow. 

“I’m sorry, okay? What else did you want to hear?”, Oikawa broke the silence between them on the third day over breakfast, tired of Kageyama’s sulking. 

“Are you serious?”  
“Come on, how am I supposed to know”  
“If your natural response is to tell me to fuck off then it’s fine”  
“It isn’t I was just tired“  
“I was tired too when I came back from Tokyo and you told me you got into university that’s almost an hour away from me and I still told you that I’m proud of you”, Kageyama stood up hastily and practically threw his plate into the sink. 

“Why should I be proud of you? You know how good you are you don’t have to throw it in my face all the time”, Oikawa stood up too, glaring at the younger boy.  
“That’s not how you treat someone you love”  
“No one ever said I loved you”  
“You did”  
“I lied”  
“That’s bullshit”  
“No, it’s the truth”, it was a lie, but Oikawa was too busy arguing to be able to tell the difference, his own feelings mixed up and confusing.  
“Okay then”, Kageyama turned from the sink to face him, and Oikawa felt the same as when he saw his mother after he came out to her. Tobio’s skin was red around his eyes, tears streamed from them, staining his cheeks.

He never saw Tobio cry before. It was a pretty sight. He looked so vulnerable. 

“I’m sorry”, Oikawa muttered and sat back down. Kageyama was about to leave the room, but Oikawa grabbed his wrist. Something was off.  
“Sss”, Kageyama breathed in sharply, freezing in place. There was a layer of soft material around Kageyama’s wrist. A bandage.  
“Stop, don't touch me”  
“Did I do that?”, Oikawa asked caught off guard.  
Kageyama shrugged.  
“I’m sorry”, the brunette repeated. He stood up and pulled Kageyama into a hug.  
“I can’t set until it heals”, Kageyama complained, but hugged back.  
“I’m sorry”  
“I don’t hate you”, Kageyama tightened the hug, forcing Oikawa to rest his head on the younger setters shoulder.  
“I love you”, Oikawa choked on the words, and realised he was crying again.  
“Yeah”


	19. Love

They returned to their routine after this, as if the argument never happened at all.

They cooked meals together, binged shows on netflix in their small, but cozy living room, and fell asleep in each others arms every night.   
Oikawa realised that he preferred this peaceful time much more to the times when they were tense around each other and wouldn’t exchange a single word between themselves for hours or days. 

It was a painful realisation, because he still wanted to cling to his hatred for Tobio as much as possible, but was in too deep now for that to be even remotely possible. They said that there was a fine line between love and hate, and somehow he crossed it the wrong way. 

Although, he knew that he didn’t love his boyfriend the same way that his boyfriend loved him. 

Tobio’s love for him was practically unconditional, he would forgive Oikawa everything, he never expected apologies, but when Oikawa was ready to apologise for the mess he made out of their love life Tobio always accepted. 

Oikawa’s love on the other hand, was not so forgiving.


	20. Controlling

“Tooru…”  
“I’m jealous, and so what, what am I supposed to do about it?”, came out seemingly out of nowhere. 

Oikawa was sitting on the couch, Kageyama sat between his legs, his back pressed against the brunettes’ chest. There was some area 51 mock-documentary playing in the background, but neither of them was watching anymore. 

“Tooru, I get jealous too sometimes, but I don’t have a go at you”, Tobio reminded him, he seemed awfully tired of Oikawa’s bullshit at this point.   
“Guess you don’t really love me then”, Oikawa scoffed.   
“Right, because not controlling you twenty-four-seven means I don’t like you”  
“I’m not controlling you”  
“You literally just told me I should cut ties with my highschool friends”, Kageyama sat up, and turned to face Oikawa, remaining between his legs.   
“I never said that, so don’t put words into my mouth”  
“You said you don’t want me to talk to Sugawara-san, even though he simply messaged to congratulate me”  
“Yeah, because now that you post cute pictures of yourself on instagram he’s suddenly interested”  
“Do you listen to yourself sometimes?”, Kageyama moved away, shifting to the other side of the couch. 

He picked up his phone from the floor where he left it when they started arguing, and focused on replying to the text that he has left on seen for way too long. 

“Are you serious right now?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You’re going to reply to him?”  
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”, Kageyama barely managed to finish his sentence before Oikawa pounced on him.

Initially he thought that he will hit him, but instead Oikawa slapped the phone out of his hands, so hard that it smashed into the wall directly behind them, and rebounded, landing on the table in front of the couch. They both stared at the phone, or rather separate pieces of glass and plastic that remained scattered on the table now. 

Kageyama didn’t say anything for a long time, still trying to process what just happened, and how he should react. 

“Please get off of me”, he ended up saying eventually, he felt that his throat was weirdly dry and focused on that thought instead of the situation he was in right now. 

“Why?”, was the reply he got.   
“I don’t want to see you right now”


	21. Words

Kageyama got a new phone rather quickly, Oikawa noticed.   
He planned to buy him a new one, but it appeared that someone beat him to it. 

“My manager got it for me”, was the explanation. It made Oikawa grimace bitterly, but he didn’t say another word. 

He couldn’t find the words to apologise.


	22. Break Up

“I think we should break up” , Kageyama said on a calm Saturday evening. They sat on opposite sides of the couch watching the weather report. 

“No, you don’t”, Oikawa laughed it off, trying to remain calm. For some reason the prospect of breaking up scared him, he wasn’t ready for Kageyama to leave his life just yet. 

“I really do”, the reply came, the tone was calm. It sounded as if they were talking about weather.   
“Why?”, Oikawa pressed on, fiddling with the blanket that covered his legs.   
“Do you not love me?”, he asked after a while, Kageyama’s silence scared him.   
“I do, but I don’t think it’s mutual. Which is why we shouldn’t be together”   
“You can’t be serious”, Oikawa sunk further into the couch. He stared absentmindedly at Kageyama, realising that he should be happy, he finally broke the boy, it’s exactly what he wanted. So why is he so scared all of a sudden?   
“You can’t leave me Tobio”, he said after he realised he won’t get an answer. 

Kageyama seemed really upset this time, he was staring at the weather report, his hands clasped together, resting his elbows on his knees. 

When he still got no response he slid down from the couch onto the wooden floor, shuffling towards Kageyama on his knees. The boy finally looked over at him, Tobio rarely expressed any negative emotions, but Oikawa was sure that what he saw in his eyes this time was pure disgust.   
“I can’t live without you”, he pleaded, putting his head on the boys lap.   
“That’s not true”, Kageyama sighed and stood up, letting Oikawa’s head slide off of him. 

He left without taking his things and Oikawa remained on the floor confused. The weather report was over and news took over now, with that a sudden calm overtook him as he tuned in. 

It wasn’t the end. 

Kageyama isn’t moving out, is he? 

Where would he go? 

Oikawa was still in control.


	23. Irrational

Kageyama didn’t return that night, and Oikawa felt like he was going insane.

During their calm days he barely even thought about the boy, but now no matter how hard he tried to focus on the report he was writing his thoughts wandered back to his now ex-boyfriend. The longer he dwelled on it, the more out of control his thoughts were. 

Did Kageyama break up with him because he was seeing someone else already? 

Was Kageyama only playing with him too? 

Did he never love him? 

Although, all of those possibilities were completely irrational, he couldn’t stop but indulge in the self destructive thoughts.


	24. Amends

A week passed with no word from Kageyama. 

Oikawa felt like he was slowly going crazy, indulging in negative thoughts whenever he didn’t keep himself busy. Did Kageyama find someone new? Was he not enough? Did he hate him? Oikawa chuckled at his own thoughts, he wanted this, he wanted to make Kageyama upset and see him in tears, yet now that he got it he was miserable. 

He sent yet another text to the boy. 

**_12:36 “Please come and see me. We need to talk.”_**

At this point he didn’t hope for a reply, however, sending a text or two a day and waiting for the _“seen”_ to mock him from his screen somehow calmed him, in the most irrational way. 

**_12:40 “I will see you tonight, need to get some things”_**

Came a reply from Kageyama. Oikawa simply stared at his phone stunned, feeling a smile creeping up onto his face. 

Normally, he would scold himself for acknowledging his attachment to the boy, even if no one else knew about it but him, yet now he couldn’t bring himself to. Immediately he began to plan how he will get Kageyama back; he will apologise, he will behave himself, and he won’t let Kageyama leave him ever again.


	25. Redemption

Oikawa could tell that his ex was impressed as soon as he walked in. Kageyama tried to hide his initial reaction behind a mask of indifference, but over the years the brunette learned how to read him like an open book. 

The whole flat was squeaky clean, not a speck of dust to be found. The lights were dimmed, there were candles everywhere, and more roses than Kageyama could count - Oikawa knew it was 250, because it cost him way too much. It was worth it, if it meant Kageyama would stay though. 

“You wasted your money and time on all this shit, I’m just coming back to get my things”, the boy finally said, as he walked towards their bedroom. 

“At least let me apologise to you, I don’t expect nothing more, I promise”, Oikawa pleaded, following his ex. 

“You can talk while I pack”

“I’m sorry for not treating you right. I’m sorry for trying to control who you talk to, I was really out of line. I’m sorry for breaking your phone, to be honest my hand kind of slipped, it wasn’t meant to be that hard. But yeah, it was wrong that I did it anyways. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please let’s not end it on a bad note”, he spit all of this out on one breath, it was a rehearsed string of sentences, but Kageyama really wanted the apology to be sincere. 

The younger boy sighed, turning around.

“You’ve done more fucked up stuff in the past, to be honest”, was the only verbal reply Oikawa got. Kageyama paused his packing and walked over to him. 

“Yeah, but you never left”, Oikawa muttered, and embraced his ex. He was ready for rejection, but after a few seconds Kageyama’s muscles relaxed and he put his arms around the older boy. The nostalgia made him tear up, the embrace resembled the unsure first touches they shared at the beginning of their relationship. 

“I will leave for real if you don’t get your shit together”

“Does that mean you’re not going anywhere?”, he lit up instantly, moving away slightly to look Kageyama in the eyes. He had really beautiful eyes, but the room was so dark that he couldn’t tell the difference between his iris and pupil. Regardless, he still thought they were the most captivating eyes he has ever seen. The thing is, at this point he was so invested into Kageyama, that even his most unflattering features would be virtues in his eyes. 

“No, not tonight, but behave yourself”, Kageyama warned him before he leaned in for a kiss, Oikawa chuckled before their lips touched.

The brat was so cocky now that he had a minimal advantage over him.

Or at least thought he did.


	26. Well Behaved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can’t lie, writing fluff is very hard, but there was an attempt

Needles to say, Oikawa behaved himself.  
They balanced their schedules and spent quality time together. For the first time during their whole relationship it felt like they were truly dating. 

“We still have some time, wanna get dinner before you go to practice?”, Oikawa offered, they just left the local museum, walking so closely together that the backs of their hands brushed past each other. They didn’t dare to hold hands in public. 

Kageyama agreed, and they went to a small café that served brunch all day. They attracted a lot of curious eyes, due to their height, and Oikawa could tell that people their passed on the streets were jealous of what they had. 

“You’re so childish”, Kageyama laughed, watching his boyfriend pick out tomatoes from his salad.  
“I’m not childish, this shit is just slimy and disgusting”, he stuck out his tongue, making Kageyama chuckle.  
“I will eat them”, the younger boy took the tomatoes and happily littered his plate with them. 

The following morning Oikawa woke Kageyama up with a kiss. He was rarely so affectionate. His lips slowly traced the boys’ sharp jawline.  
“I made you breakfast”, he whispered into his ear, as Kageyama lazily opened one eye to give him a side glance.  
“You never cooked before”, Kageyama’s raspy voice made Oikawa’s heart flutter.  
“You would be surprised”, he chuckled, forcing Kageyama to get up and leading him out of the bedroom. 

“You said you made breakfast”  
“I did”  
“It’s cereal”, Kageyama whined half asleep.  
“I would burn anything else”, Oikawa said it with a confident smile, forcing his boyfriend to sit down.  
“Thank you”, Kageyama grabbed the brunette before he managed to walk away and pulled him into a hug. Oikawa was bent in the most uncomfortable way, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying their proximity.


	27. Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff again? I’m trying my best! 
> 
> I won’t be writing any smut for this fanfiction, unless there is demand for it or it’s necessary for the plot by the way, sorry if it’s a disappointment.

The calm days were fun, Oikawa noted. Each day he enjoyed the domestic bliss with his partner and wondered why he didn’t start cherishing the time he had with him more in the past. 

“Tobio, did you ever think about getting married?”, he asked, caressing Kageyama’s hair absentmindedly. They were laying in bed, in post-coital bliss, dirty tissues surrounding them everywhere. 

“It’s not something I ever thought about, since I’m with you”, Kageyama laughed his question off. 

“I meant married to me”, Oikawa clarified. His eyes followed the moonlight patterns dancing on Kageyama’s arm, thanks to the wind that gently blew on their curtains setting them into motion. 

“We’re both men”  
“I’m aware”  
“It’s not like we can get married”  
“Sometimes I wish I could be married to you though, you’re so good to me”, Oikawa stopped petting his partner, and Kageyama climbed on top of him with a mischievous smile. 

“Ask me again in 10 years, I’m only 20, there is so many options out there”, the younger boy laughed.   
“I wasn’t proposing!”, Oikawa laughed with him, wrapping his arms around him.   
“Sure, sure”

He wasn’t proposing but he began seriously considering it.


	28. Intervention

Plans to propose? Long forgotten. 

“What is he doing here?”, Oikawa hissed through his teeth, keeping his voice low so that the tangerine in their living room won’t hear anything. 

“He’s my friend, and he came to visit. You have a problem with that?”, Kageyama moved past his boyfriend, but Oikawa stopped him. This began to turn into a cliché. 

“I don't have a problem, it’s just that… you didn’t tell me before”, he was uneasy, he knew that his jealousy is unreasonable, but he couldn’t control it. He was possessive, when he shouldn’t be. 

„I‘m sorry, he didn’t give me a warning either”, Kageyama sighed, exhausted by their conversation already. 

“I will go out, let me know when he leaves”, Oikawa muttered, and put his shoes on. 

“At least say hi to him”

“Hey shorty, nice to see you again, make yourself at home!”, he shouted from the doorway and left, slamming the door a bit too hard. 

“Damn, this guy never changes”, Hinata laughed half-heartedly, truth be told he was there because he was worried about his friend. It was a well deserved intervention.


	29. Babysitting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwa-chan makes an appearance!   
> The next few chapters will be quite sad to balance out the fluff that I can't write well.   
> I will update probably 3 or 4 tonight. Warning; there will be some slight IwaOi.

Iwaizumi realised that he was called not to hang out, but to babysit Oikawa way too late into the night. 

“Iwa-chan, I’m so done!”, the brunette was ranting, already under the influence. Oikawa was always a lightweight.   
“I’ve heard that three times now, idiot”, he kicked his friend under the table, frustrated with his antics. 

“Iwa-chan”, Oikawa moaned miserably, pouting like a toddler, “can I sit next to you?”  
“Why?”   
“I wanna cuddle, I’m so sad”  
“Go home and cuddle with your boyfriend then!”, Iwaizumi’s protests went unnoticed by Oikawa, who was already next to him, pressed tightly against his side.   
“Are you deaf?”, he elbowed the brunette, trying to peel him off of himself, but to no avail.   
“I don’t wanna see him, he pissed me off”  
“Did you guys argue?”  
“Not really”, Oikawa tried to end the conversation by getting up and getting them more drinks. 

When he came back Iwaizumi made it clear that the conversation wasn’t over.   
“So? What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing's wrong”, Oikawa casually took a shot of tequila, without waiting for his friend to catch up, “it’s just that”, he bit into a lime, “awvewwysawd”  
“Shittykawa I have no clue what you’re saying, take the fucking lime out of your mouth!”

“I SAID that I’m very sad, are you happy now?”  
“What are you sad about?”, Iwaizumi sighed, irritated by his friends childlike personality.  
“Just… everything! That annoying little shrimp came over - no one even invited him - and now he’s probably all over Tobio’s dick”   
“Shrimp? Who are you talking about?”   
“Hinata Shoyo from Karasuno, who else!”  
“Chill, drink”, Iwaizumi slid his shot of tequila across the table to Oikawa. 

The brunette downed it without second thought. 

“They’ve been friends for years now, how is them meeting up any different from what we’re doing now?”, he tried to reason with Oikawa, who despite cringing miserably was now eating a lime.  
“Of course it’s different! That orange mess was always pining after Tobio”, Oikawa whined pitting his head down.   
“He never liked me”, he added when Iwaizumi remained silent.   
“None of Kageyama’s friends ever liked you, because you made a point of making an ass of yourself whenever you came across them”, Iwaizumi pointed out, earning himself a glare from Oikawa.   
“That’s because… they were all so fucking close to him all the time, what’s even up with that, I mean-“  
“You’re such a hypocrite, no longer than 5 seconds ago you were clinging to my side, but you flip your shit when some other dude shakes hands with your boyfriend”, Iwaizumi shook his head, sighing again.   
“Besides, Kageyama was really antisocial in high school, at least whenever I saw him, and the most physical contact I ever saw him having with his team was a high five when they scored”, he continued, while Oikawa played with what was left of the lime on the table, seemingly not paying attention to his friend. 

Iwaizumi spent a few more hours trying to convince Oikawa that not all of Kageyama's friends lust after him, but nothing seemed to get through to the brunette.


	30. Denial

“Hinata, I told you everything is fine”, Kageyama shuffled around the kitchen to make tea for his unannounced guest.   
“I talked to Ushijima recently”, Hinata cut to the chase. Kageyama and Ushijima both played for the same team at the moment, and it surprised the setter that Hinata kept in touch with someone they played against once, 4 years ago.   
“And?”   
“And he said that everything is not fine. Why are you lying to me?”   
“I have no idea what he could tell you, we aren’t close so it’s not like he has any idea about what’s going on in my life”, as he said that, Kageyama placed a cup of steaming tea in front of his guest. 

He sat across from Hinata at the dining table in the kitchen.   
“He said you don’t keep in touch with anyone from the team. And that you had a sprained wrist a few weeks ago.”  
“You know I was never a social butterfly… And yeah, I sprained my wrist, I was practising a lot, it’s nothing unusual”, Kageyama defended himself, unconsciously rubbing his wrist  
“Ushijima said it had nothing to do with practice.”  
“And how was he supposed to know?”  
“He said he saw you changing your bandage, it was bruised. That’s not the kind of injury you get from setting a lot”, Hinata’s feelings were all over his face, he was worried about his friend.   
“Drink your tea”, Kageyama sighed, averting his gaze not to look his friend in the eyes.

“Is it what I think it is?”, Hinata asked cautiously.   
“I don’t know what you’re thinking.”  
“Did Oikawa hurt you that time?”

Kageyama stiffened. It’s been a long time since that accident, why is Hinata concerned now? Sure, it was unpleasant to have his wrist sprained, but Oikawa acted like a completely different person now, there was no reason for his friend to worry. 

“Hinata, I appreciate your concern, I really do-”  
“Bullshit. Answer me. It’s a yes or no question.”  
“It’s not that straightforward, everything is fine now.”  
“So it was him”, Hinata looked furious, clenching his cup of tea so hard that Kageyama contemplated taking it away, so that it won't break.   
“Yes, but he’s different now.”  
“Kageyama… He’s been like this for years. I don’t know why you’re ignoring this. He’s trying to isolate you, keeping you away from all your friends, and now this…”  
“It was just one time, it’s fine now”, Kageyama reassured him, making flexion and extension movements with his wrists to further convince his friend. 

Hinata was not convinced. 

“Ushijima said he broke your phone. Why are you lying to me?”   
The redhead was genuinely concerned about his friend, and as the conversation progressed and he confirmed more of his suspicions, he felt guilty for not stepping in earlier.   
“I’m not, it’s just that…”, Kageyama sighed, he really wanted to defend his boyfriend, but the more he digged for some redeeming quality that Oikawa might possess, the more he realised that nothing positive he did could overshadow his faults.   
“You are. Please, just be upfront with me.”  
“He broke my phone by accident.”  
“How?”  
“Sugawara messaged me when I got into the team, to congratulate me, and Oikawa got angry.”  
“That sounds fucked up, and not like an accident at all.”  
“He slapped the phone out of my hand a bit too hard, it hit the wall, it was just an accident”, he expected this to make the situation seem less drastic than it was in reality, but Hinata’s expression told him that it still didn’t sound good.   
“Do you even hear yourself? He’s not only controlling, he’s aggressive. You should move out. He doesn’t love you, he’s just doing this to make your life unbearable”, Hinata said without sugarcoating it. 

Deep down Kageyama knew that Hinata was right, he shouldn’t have forgiven Oikawa, but after giving him a second chance everything was fine. He was going to explain that he did move out for a bit, but then they got back together, yet all that came out of him was a low sigh. 

“He plans to propose to me, and I think I will accept”, he said instead.  
Hinata stared at him blankly.  
“Wait here”, Kageyama got up and went into the bedroom, when he came back he had something in his fist.  
“Look, he didn’t hide them too well”, he opened it up, showing two golden bands. Hinata picked one of them up, examining it carefully. The inside of the ring he chose had the initials “O.T” engraved on the inside.   
“Why would he do that, if he doesn’t love me?”  
“Kageyama…”, Hinata was speechless, his friend was in denial, and the fact that he didn’t know what to say to make him change his mind hurt.   
“I will be okay. I really love him, Hinata. I did since middle-school, you know that this is my dream come true”, Kageyama tried to persuade him that his choice was right.   
“I know, but surely this is not how you wanted it to be, the way he treats you is so wrong.”  
“He fixed up after that, it’s been ages ago.”  
“It was only a few months”, Hinata said, but accepted defeat. 

He got up and hugged Kageyama, pressing the setters’ head to his chest.   
“If something happens and you change your mind let me know, I’m not scared of Oikawa, and I hope you aren’t either.”  
“Thank you”, the setter hugged back, remaining seated, so that Hinata could enjoy being taller for a few more minutes.


	31. Instigate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess you're gonna have to wait a little for a part two of this argument, since I really need some sleep right now :')

To say Iwaizumi was struggling was an understatement.   
“We’re outside, I won’t be able to carry him upstairs all by myself”, he said into the phone that he was pressing to his ear with his shoulder, while his hands were full of Oikawa. The fact that he managed to get them to Oikawa’s apartment building was already an accomplishment, considering that the brunette was an absolute mess throughout. 

“Who are you talking to, Iwa-chan?”, he slurred out, lifting his head to look at his friend.   
“Your boyfriend is coming to get you”  
“But I don’t wanna leave you!”, Oikawa protested, burying his face in Iwaizumi’s neck. The latter lost his balance, as Oikawa shifted all of his weight onto him. Luckily, they were right next to the building and Iwaizumi could use the wall to support himself.   
“You must be fucking kidding me”, he muttered, feeling Oikawa kiss his neck.   
“You smell so good Iwa-chan”, as charming as Oikawa was, right now he was an absolute mess, and his sloppy kisses and slurred words were not appealing in the slightest.   
“And you stink, you threw up literally twenty minutes ago”

“Stooooop”, Oikawa tried to playfully slap his friend on the shoulder, but instead ended up almost tripping them both over, which resulted in Iwaizumi tightening his grip on the brunette.   
“You’re the one who should stop, moron, what do you think you’re doing?”, he asked, as Oikawa resumed sucking on his neck. Apart from that, his hand that wasn’t holding onto Iwaizumi’s coat for balance was making it’s way up his friends chest.   
“Nothing much, you?”, Oikawa replied casually between kisses. 

“Thank fuck, I’m running out of patience”, Iwaizumi said, as he saw Kageyama making his way over to them. He tried to let go of Oikawa and make him stand on his own, but the man only clung to him more in response.   
“Are you okay?”, Kageyama asked confused. He felt something in his chest tighten, as he watched Oikawa grope Iwaizumi, but chose to ignore it.   
“Not really, he’s way heavier than he looks, and he doesn’t even make sense anymore. I’m sorry, I should have taken better care of him”, Iwaizumi sounded genuinely guilty, but Kageyama didn’t blame him in the slightest. 

“I will take him”, Kageyama extended his hands so that Iwaizumi could hand the brunette over.  
“Are you sure you don’t need help?”  
“Should be fine”, he said, as he effortlessly picked up Oikawa, pressing him tightly against his body. Iwaizumi couldn’t hide the fact that he was impressed, he never realised how strong years of training made the boy.   
“Come upstairs with us”, Kageyama offered, and Iwaizumi followed obediently. 

Oikawa was awfully quiet, but Kageyama didn’t intend on breaking this silence. With ease he carried his boyfriend through four flights of stairs, and then extracted the house keys from the pocket of his jeans to open the door.   
“I’m really sorry about him, thank you for getting him home safely”, he said to Iwaizumi, as he set Oikawa on the couch in the living room. 

As soon as Iwaizumi sat down next to him, Oikawa clung to his side.   
“Tooru”, Kageyama scolded him, but got no response.   
Iwaizumi attempted to shrug Oikawa off of himself.   
“You can stay for the night if you want”, Kageyama offered, when he returned with some clean clothes for Oikawa.   
“I think I will get an uber instead”, Iwaizumi said, and it made Kageyama feel a bit better. Seeing his drunk boyfriend all over someone else made him feel horrible, and even though he knew it wasn’t Iwaizumi’s fault, he still wanted him gone. 

“Tooru, do you wanna shower? You will be upset tomorrow if you don’t”, Kageyama said calmly, approaching Oikawa as if he was a toddler. Iwaizumi privately praised the boy for his patience.  
“Don’t wanna, I’d rather stay with Iwa-chan”, the brunette whined, and then pulled Iwaizumi down with all his strength, making his friend lay on top of him. Oikawa let out a giggle, as he wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi, but before he managed to do anything more the man got snatched from his arms. 

“Tobio, you’re so mean!”, he exclaimed almost insulted, but his protests fell on deaf ears.  
“Are you alright? I’m sorry, he’s clearly not in his right mind right now”, Kageyama apologised, and Iwaizumi could tell that he meant it. Regardless, he felt a bit uncomfortable with Kageyama’s strong grip on his shoulder. The boy followed his gaze, and quickly released him, clearly embarrassed.   
“I’m fine. Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault”, Iwaizumi replied equally embarrassed, he didn’t sit back down next to his friend. 

“I will get that Uber for you”, Kageyama fished out his phone from his pocket, and handed it to Iwaizumi, letting the man type in his address.   
“Ah, Iwa-chan is so cute, I wish I have dated him in high-school instead”, Oikawa continued his whining in the background.   
“Oikawa, you’re pushing it”, Kageyama said, his tone sharp and cold, making Iwaizumi look up from the phone. It’s been years since he heard the boy call Oikawa by his last name.  
“Here”, he handed Kageyama the device back.   
“You’re just jealous”, Oikawa dismissed the threat. For a second he attempted to sit up on the couch, but gave up immediately, realising that in his current state he has minimal physical coordination.  
“Alright, they should be here in twelve minutes”, Kageyama said, once again ignoring Oikawa’s attempts at instigation.

After this, Kageyama fetched some water for them from the kitchen. Iwaizumi never realised how thoughtful the boy was in the past, he thanked him for the water. His friend was not so kind, snatching the bottle from the setters hands without a word.   
“Oikawa mentioned that Hinata came to visit, is he gone already?”, Iwaizumi asked.  
“Clearly”, Kageyama snapped at him, and instantly felt guilty about his tone.   
“He left in the evening, since he already took a train here he decided to visit some other friends too”, he elaborated, hoping that he didn’t offend Iwaizumi before.   
“I see-”  
“So you had a quick smash-and-dash?”, Oikawa mumbled into a pillow, loud enough for both of them to hear, then giggled at his own joke.   
“Just what are you insinuating?”, Kageyama asked, his patience clearly reaching its limits.   
“Don’t make me repeat myself”, the brunette rolled to his side, to face Kageyama who took a seat on the coffee table facing him.   
“No, you can say it. You already went further tonight with Iwaizumi, than I ever did in my four years of friendship with Hinata. So I don’t think you have any right to talk to me like that”, as he said that, Kageyama snatched the water bottle out of Oikawa’s hands, since the brunette was about to spill the remaining water onto the floor. 

It felt surreal to watch their argument, with Kageyama still taking care of Oikawa, despite the tension between them.   
“The Uber is pro-”  
“Yeah, right, as if I’m gonna believe that. Bullshit.”, the brunette hissed, cutting Iwaizumi off.   
“I probably have to-”  
“Believe what you want, I honestly don’t care anymore”, Kageyama retorted, not letting Iwaizumi finish his sentence.  
“TheUbermustbeherenowIgottago”, Iwaizumi spat out on one breath, afraid that one of them will cut him off again.   
“Let me check how far away it is”, Kageyama said, but Iwaizumi was already one foot out the door.   
“Message me when you get home”, he added, closing the door after the man. He didn’t blame him for wanting to get away from this situation, it must have been awkward to watch them argue.


	32. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicating this chapter to: liliies, who’s comment motivated me to quickly throw this chapter together. 
> 
> I originally planned for this to be more dramatic and explosive, but then I realised it hurts more this way, and it just felt right :) 
> 
> I’m not a sadist, I promise ~

The silence was killing him. 

Oikawa knew he messed up. He just left the shower, slightly sobered up, and awfully aware that he just ruined things - _again._

Seeing himself in the mirror made him cringe. 

Enlarged pupils dimming any colour his eyes had, red lines blemishing the whites. Clear skin didn’t make up for the purple bags under his eyes. Alcohol and exhaustion weren’t a good look for him. 

It took great effort to take his contacts out, but when he finally managed everything became slightly blurry. Maybe it was for the better. 

He was scared of leaving the bathroom. The rustling of covers on the couch wasn’t a sound he thought would be easily recognisable to him, but he could tell that Kageyama made his bed in the living room. 

It’s not like he didn’t know what he was doing. He wanted to see if Kageyama would be jealous. If he would curse him out, or hit him or kick him out. But all he did was take care of him, give him water and help him into the shower.

The fact that Kageyama barely expressed his jealousy was anticlimactic. 

Oikawa sighed, closed his eyes, and psyched himself up to leave the bathroom. Any more time and Kageyama would surely be concerned.  
The door screeched ripping the heavy silence apart. 

“Are you asleep?”, he whispered, approaching what he thought was Kageyama, a shapeless mass of blankets in the darkness. 

There was no response. 

Blindly, Oikawa touched the silhouette, and realised that he got Kageyama’s arm.  
“Hey”, the boy shivered under his touch. He pushed him on his back, and leaned in for a kiss.

“You disgust me. Go to sleep”, the venomous words made Oikawa’s chest tighten. Kageyama’s forearm was pressed into the brunettes neck, effectively stopping his attempt to get closer. 

“Don’t be like that”, despite the rejection, Oikawa pressed on, his tone gentle.  
“Oikawa, I’m serious.”  
“Why do you want to fight with me?”, he put more pressure on the boy, and got close enough to press their foreheads together. His hair was still wet and it probably wasn’t as pleasant of a sensation for Kageyama as he imagined. 

“I’m not. But do you think I will just watch you cheat on me and accept it?”, Kageyama tried to turn his head away. 

“I just wanted to see if you care.”

“Is this a fucking game to you?”, the boy said quietly. 

“No, but sometimes it just seems-“

“You’re delusional. Do you want me to act as crazy as you, for you to think I care?”

“I’m not acting crazy, and you aren’t a saint either, making a scene in front of Iwa-chan and all-“ 

“Me? You started it by bringing up your stupid assumptions about my friendship with Hinata. Just because you can’t keep your hands off of your friends, doesn’t mean I’m the same”, Kageyama pushed him away, making the brunette stumble back a little. As he turned around, he was immediately pinned back down, flat on his back, with Oikawa hovering above him. 

“Tobio”, he said softly, releasing the boy to caress his cheek. Kageyama stayed frozen as Oikawa leaned in and placed a delicate kiss on his lips. The brunette took the boys’ stillness for consent, and sucked gently on his bottom lip. After a second Kageyama reciprocated the kiss, and a shiver of excitement ran through the older boy. The kiss was sensual, and Oikawa lost himself in pleasure, focusing on the taste of Kageyama’s soft lips. Only after he felt something wet under his fingertips he paused. 

“Tobio?”, his voice almost broke, as he realised that Kageyama was crying. That he was crying for a while. He couldn’t see him in the darkness, especially not without his glasses; but he could feel the tears chasing one after another on the boys’ cheek, as they landed on the palm he was pressing against it. 

“Are you doing this on purpose?”, Kageyama choked out.  
“Doing what?”  
“Messing with me. You’re messing with my head. Are you doing this just to hurt me?”, most words were hard to make out as Kageyama inhaled sharply in between, he choked on his own tears, unable to calm down. 

Oikawa couldn’t find an answer. 

_Was he?_

He wanted to say no, but he wasn’t sure if it would be true. 

“Please just go to sleep, _please_ ”, Kageyama begged, and Oikawa wondered if he ever saw him in such pathetic state in the past. Without a word he left the living room, quietly closing their bedroom door. He could just about make out that their digital clock showed some odd minutes past 5am before he fell asleep alone in their double bed.


	33. Theirs

The double bed, the digital-clock on the nightstand, the bedroom. Everything was _theirs_. It came as a painful realisation in the morning. Oikawa never paid much mind to it, but it was true, at this point they shared everything. 

_Shouldn’t sharing things with Tobio be annoying?_

It probably should, but he accepted it so naturally. 

The front door clicked, and Oikawa looked over at the clock involuntarily; the red blurr reminded him of the number 7. It must have been 7am. Kageyama probably didn’t sleep, since he had practice in the morning. The realisation inspired guilt in him, but he tried to ignore it. He wasn’t the only one to blame. If only Kageyama had sent the orange-mess home straight away, none of this would have happened. 

As soon as he thought that he knew it was wrong. 

Reluctantly he left the bed. The living-room was much cleaner than he expected it to be, the only thing out of place were the blankets and pillows neatly piled up on the couch. A vague memory of pulling Iwaizumi on top of himself invaded his thoughts, and he stopped in his tracks. Did he really do that? He hid his face in his hands, embarrassed, even though there was no one that could see him right now. It took him a second to compose himself, before he turned to the coffee machine, and attempted to begin his usual morning routine. 

_Their coffee machine._ Kageyama never used it, but he payed majority of the price for it. Come to think of it, Kageyama payed for most things. He paid the entirety of rent, most of the bills, did the grocery shopping every week. Was anything in the house really theirs? Suddenly, Oikawa wasn’t sure anymore. 

Despite the fact that he was almost black-out drunk yesterday, his body suffered almost no repercussions. There was no headache, or over the top pain. His muscles were sore, he felt sluggish, and was really dehydrated, but other than that he was completely fine. That only increased his guilt, making him squirm from anxiety. 

**07:32 -** _“Hey, I wanted to apologise for yesterday, I was really out of line”_

He texted Iwaizumi, and realised that he will not get a reply for a long time. After drinking his coffee he went straight back to bed, unwilling to be productive. Hiding himself under the covers, he hoped that curling into a ball will ease his anxiety. It did not. And sleep didn’t come either. Nevertheless, he laid there, overthinking the consequences of his actions.

**09:57 -** _“You were, it’s not me you should be apologising to”_

Iwaizumi’s reply was dry, but Oikawa didn’t blame him. 

**09:57 -** _“Can we meet today?”_  
**09:57 -** _“I don’t know what to do anymore”_

**09:58 -** _“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”_

**10:00 -** _“Please”_  
**10:00 -** _“I really need to talk to someone”_  
**10:00 -** _“I honestly feel like I will go crazy if I sit here alone”_  
**10:05 -** _“Please, Iwa-chan” ___

__**10:10 -** _“I will come to yours, but I don’t think Kageyama will appreciate it after what you’ve done yesterday”_  
**10:10 -** _“Thank you”_ _ _


	34. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was very difficult to write. I assumed it would be simple since I had it all planned out, but I was so excited about what will come next, that this particular scene became a nightmare to put together. 
> 
> Also, slight warning, next chapter will be all smut, because... plot and emotional distress :'))

Iwaizumi was a good friend, and Oikawa certainly didn’t deserve him. It hasn’t even been a full hour since he asked for his help, but there he was, a takeaway in his hand, and awkwardly wrapped bandages on his neck. 

“You didn’t eat”, he accused, pushing past the brunette in the corridor. 

“You know me so well”, Oikawa attempted to smile, but it didn’t quite work out. He looked out of place in his own house. 

“What happened to your neck?”, he asked sheepishly, watching Iwaizumi unpack the food he brought over. The boy didn’t answer, instead he slid his phone over to him, with a picture loaded. 

There were bruises on Iwaizumi’s neck, stretching across, covering most of the flesh. 

“Did I do that?”, Oikawa thought he was just gently kissing yesterday, where did the hickeys come from? 

“Who else? You were like a little leech, I couldn’t even peel you off of me”, the imagery of that truly horrified the brunette, but he attempted to laugh it off. 

“I didn’t realise it was that bad.”

“Me neither to be honest, we were both pretty drunk”, Iwaizumi replaced the phone with a filled plate and urged his friend to eat. 

“I don’t think I can…”, Oikawa mumbled in response, ashamed of his lack of appetite. 

“Try your best, you can have some now and some later”, coaxed Iwaizumi. The brunette complied, he enjoyed being treated like a child, and his friend knew how to use it to his advantage. 

They finished their meal in silence; Iwaizumi polished his plate, while Oikawa had maybe three spoonfuls before he shoved the plate away. 

“Okay, talk to me, you’re lashing out, acting all weird, what’s wrong?”, Iwaizumi sat back down after he finished doing the dishes, and put away Oikawa’s leftovers. 

Oikawa shifted in his chair, uncomfortable under his friends’ stern gaze. He knew he had to talk to someone, but now that he had the opportunity he wasn’t sure where to begin. 

“It’s about Kageyama, isn’t it?”, Iwaizumi prompted, but only received a nod in response.

“I assume you realise that the things you did and said yesterday were really fucked up,” he continued, and Oikawa grimaced, averting his gaze to avoid confrontation. 

“You probably feel guilty and embarrassed, which is why you wanted to talk”, another nod from Oikawa. 

Silence fell between them. It appeared that Iwaizumi didn’t intend to carry the conversation all by himself. 

Finally, Oikawa inhaled sharply and opened his mouth to speak.

“It’s not the most fucked up thing I’ve done.”

Saying that out loud made him realise it was true. His heart skipped a beat. Feeling his heartbeat become irregular wasn’t pleasant, but he made effort to ignore his anxiety, bunching up his sweatpants under the table for support.

“You have to be kidding me.”

Oikawa shook his head - no. 

“Care to elaborate?”

“The only reason I dated Tobio was to mess with him while in high-school, I didn’t expect for it to drag on for so long-”

“Drag on?! Shittykawa, it’s been 4 years! You live together!”

“I know, I know, there is more. Seeing him with other people made me feel weird, I think over time I really began to enjoy his company and I just didn’t want that to disappear all of a sudden, and-”

“Breathe”, Iwaizumi said calmly.

“You didn’t want Kageyama to leave you for someone else”, he prompted again, noticing that the brunette didn’t plan on speaking any time soon.

“Right. I just… One time I gave him an ultimatum, me or his friends - more specifically me or Hinata - and he chose me”, as he said that, it didn’t sound quite as bad, but he noticed Iwaizumi making a displeased face, and instantly averted his gaze. 

“And then, when he got the offer to play professionally, we argued, and I accidentally-”, he paused abruptly, unable to catch his breath. 

“You accidentally what? Oikawa?”, Iwaizumi appeared to be on edge now, “What did you accidentally do?”

“I, I accidentally, I fractured his wrist”, Oikawa sunk deeper into the chair, as if the weight of the words pushed him down. Iwaizumi was still for a second, then he clenched his jaws, his teeth making it audible on impact. The brunette shivered, he didn’t have too look up to know that Iwaizumi was furious. 

“Pray tell, how do you - _accidentally_ \- **f r a c t u r e** someones wrist? Do you realised you could have ended his _whole career_? Do you realise that Kageyama is _alone_ in this city with you? Do you _fucking_ realise that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t have anywhere to leave to? This is physical abuse, Oikawa”, as soon as Iwaizumi started he couldn’t stop. He saw Oikawa shifting uncomfortably, but he couldn’t find it in himself to pity him. 

“That’s not all”, the brunette muttered, gaining himself an expectant look from his friend. 

“I broke his phone once too. It was an accident, I was trying to slap it out of his hand and it just... went flying.”

“Everything is an accident with you! What the fuck, Oikawa? I showed my support and encouraged you to date him, I thought you actually loved the boy, but all you do is torment a good kid-”

“I do love him though! I think…”, his protest was weak.

“ _You think?_ ”, Iwaizumi scoffed. 

“Wait”, Oikawa stood up, and just like Kageyama the day before, he returned to the kitchen with two golden rings.

“And what is that supposed to prove? Just because you want to chain him to yourself or brand him, or whatever else you could call this; doesn’t mean that you care about him.”

“I genuinely want to be with him though, I just don’t think I know how to”, Oikawa appeared defeated, it was rare for him to submit so easily. Iwaizumi could tell that his friend was lost and confused, but it wasn’t an excuse. 

“You know that there is a name for what you’re doing here”, Iwaizumi started typing something on his phone, the brunette didn’t bother looking up at him.

“What is it?”

“Domestic abuse.”

“Okay, that’s a bit harsh Iwa-chan”, Oikawa pouted, and Iwaizumi knew that he was doing the right thing by bringing up examples, because his friend clearly didn’t realise the significance of his actions. 

“Look”, he instructed, shoving his phone into Oikawa’s hands. There was a video playing, it was a ‘confessional’ of a girl that has been abused by her partner. 

_“It started off small, he would try to control what I wear, who I speak to. He often tried to convince me that I promised him things that we’ve never discussed, and use that to guilt me into obeying him. Slowly, I started losing friends, they either didn’t want to spend time with me anymore because I rejected their efforts to reach out too many times, or were scared of what my boyfriend would do. But I thought it was okay, because at least I had him. It didn’t stop at that though. He would play with my emotions a lot, flirt with other girls constantly; he would always be offended if I questioned his actions, and it made me feel guilty. I started rationalising his actions, convincing myself that he does it out of love for me-”_

The girl then proceeded to describe more graphic incidents, and Iwaizumi was pleased that her story clearly disturbed Oikawa. When the video came to an end he played another one; by the end they saw about 15 different stories, all of which contained similar themes. 

“These people have to go to therapy because of this, their whole life is ruined”, Iwaizumi spoke up.

Oikawa looked around his kitchen, unsure what to focus on, now that the videos were gone. He never questioned his actions before, not like this, and even when he wanted to mess with Kageyama in the past, it was never to this extent. _Their_ coffee machine stared back at him as he focused on it, and suddenly a realisation came to him.

“Iwa-chan, I think I-”  
“I think you should go to therapy, Oikawa”, Iwaizumi interrupted him, crouching next to his chair, so that he could see the brunettes face. 

“I think I should move out first”, Oikawa bit his lip, in a weak attempt to hold back tears. His heart was racing, and he felt light-headed, intrusive thoughts bouncing in his brain 100 miles-per-hour; however, nothing in his body language nor expression gave away that he was having a panic attack.


	35. Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am all lies and deceit :)
> 
> Whenever I say "yeah I should update today", do not trust it, it probably means that I will lose motivation to write within the next few hours. Additionally, I had to change a lot of this chapter from what it was originally meant to be, so if something seems out of place let me know.  
> We're coming close to the end, and honestly I have 3 possible endings for this story, I'm not quite sure which one I should choose, but they are all quite fun. Do you guys want to choose what happens next more or less?

Kageyama returned home early in the evening, carrying a brown takeaway bag, along with his usual sports bag.

“Did you eat?”, he asked, eyeing Oikawa who sat on the couch. His appearance changed slightly, but Kageyama couldn’t figure out what was out of place. The slouched posture? The grim facial expression? It made Oikawa appear older. 

_Why are you concerned about me?_

“I had some rice in the morning”, his voice was hoarse, and Kageyama could tell that he was crying earlier today. 

“Iwaizumi told me he was here, did you apologise to him?”, the boy continued the conversation casually, as he placed the takeaway box in the fridge, on top of the one Iwaizumi brought. 

“Yeah, we talked”, he shifted uncomfortably on the couch. 

“Tobio, we need to talk about yesterday, and-“ 

“What’s there to talk about? Nothing really happened, I forgave you already”, the boy shrugged, it was clear that he didn’t, but was willing to pretend for the sake of their relationship.

_Nothing really happened._

It’s something he heard a lot in the videos Iwaizumi showed him. 

“But something did happen! So much shit happened, Tobio, you can’t just forgive me everything” he exclaimed, frustrated with himself, once again burying his face in his hands. 

“What are you talking about?”, Kageyama approached him, he hesitated for a second, then kneeled beside the brunette, trying to move his hands away from his face. 

“I have to move out Tobio”, he looked down at the boy, Kageyama had concern written all over his face. 

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“Our relationship is so dysfunctional, the fact that you were willing to move on from this without a fight is enough proof”, Oikawa shifted in discomfort. 

“It’s my fault, I fucked you up”, the brunette cringed at his own words, but it was true. 

“I think I was fucked up from the start, you know, I knew all along that you were just toying with me”, Kageyama’s grimace turned into a sour smile, as he looked away from the older boy. 

Oikawa looked down at Kageyama in shock. 

“Yeah, it wasn’t hard to figure out. I was just really head-over-heels for you since middle-school, so I stuck with it regardless”, he shrugged. It did come as a surprise, Oikawa always assumed that he wooed the younger boy when they were in high-school, and never once considered that he could have had feelings for him before that. Although, it would make sense with the amount of times Kageyama asked for his help.

“You know it’s different now though, right? I really do love you”, Oikawa admitted, his chest tightened with anxiety at the words. 

“I know, I saw the rings.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, you didn’t hide them very well”, Kageyama chuckled. 

“Iwaizumi says I bought them for the wrong reasons.”

“I’m sure he’s right”, Kageyama said remembering Hinata’s words from the day before. Oikawa appeared displeased with his answer, but didn’t say anything. 

“Do you have enough money to move out?”, the younger boy picked up the conversation again. Oikawa felt slightly offended by the question, although it was a rational concern, considering that he was financially dependent on Kageyama, ever since the boy started playing professionally. 

“Yeah, I have enough savings to make it work, I will get a job too.”

“Wouldn’t that interfere with your university schedule?”

“That shouldn’t be any of your concern”, Oikawa said, his tone gentle, despite the harsh words. 

“You’re right. This is probably for the better”, Kageyama replied quietly, placing his right hand on the brunette’s thigh. The latter shivered at the sudden touch, but quickly regained his composure, and stared at the younger boy, trying to read his intentions.

Only then it occurred to him that he barely looked at the setter since he came back home. Kageyama was still in his practice shorts, and a black shirt that tightly pressed against his body, his hair was slightly out of place, and the way he stared back up at him spelled trouble. 

“Tobio?”, he tilted his head, trying to maintain an innocent appearance. Kageyama spread his fingers, gently brushing past the brunettes’ inner thigh. It was as if he was asking permission, treading carefully, afraid of rejection. There was no response. He moved his hand again, further up Oikawas’ thigh, almost touching his now semi-hard member on the way, but deflecting at the last second, comfortably anchoring his hand at the brunettes’ hip instead. _What a tease._

The atmosphere suddenly shifted, tension between them was unbearable. Oikawa was not sure if he was allowed to speak, so he remained silent, waiting on the boys’ next move. Finally, Kageyama broke the eye contact, and lowered his head into Oikawas’ lap, nuzzling against the brunettes thighs like a cat. _How cute._ Except it wasn’t cute, as the endearing action abruptly came to a halt, when the boys’ face got close to Oikawas’ crotch. The brunette held his breath, observing the younger boy lick his hard on through the thick material of his sweatpants. 

“What are you doing?”, he chuckled.

“You got hard just from the way I’ve been looking at you, how lame”, Kageyama stuck out his tongue at him, and repositioned himself to sit comfortably between Oikawa’s legs.

“The way you’ve been touching me was very suggestive, it couldn’t be helped”, the brunette mumbled, pretending to take offence. It felt as if they were back in high-school, teasing each other, with no bad-blood between them. He had to be careful not to disrupt this moment. Kageyama tugged at the hem of his sweatpants impatiently, and Oikawa obediently pulled them down, along with his boxers.

“You’re so demanding”, he smirked, but quickly regretted the smug talk, as Kageyama wasted no time. He stroked his erection a couple of times, almost half-heartedly, testing the waters, but even that made Oikawas’ breath irregular, which was rewarding enough. Then he slowed down significantly, and used his tongue again, dragging it along the length of the older boys’ shaft. Once he reached the tip, he looked up at Oikawa, as he put it in his mouth. 

Oikawa sucked in the air loudly, feeling the pressure of the boys’ wet tongue against his sensitive flesh and Kageyama hummed - pleased with the brunettes reaction - sending vibrations through his cock. 

“Don’t-”, Kageyama winced, as Oikawa grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled him away. Irritated sapphire eyes searched for some meaning in the hazel ones that stared back, but to no effect. Oikawa cupped the boys’ face, and pulled him into a kiss. Kageyama reciprocated greedily, straightening himself up a little, so that the brunette wouldn’t have to bend too much to reach his lips. The taste of his own precum in Kageyamas’ mouth didn’t discourage him from deepening the kiss, and earned him another hum of approval from the boy. 

_If only this could last._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I usually find it easy to write scenes related to sex, but for some reason this was just dreadful, which is why it might read like that too :')


	36. Stay

_It was the last time._

Although they both shared an understanding of that fact, neither mentioned it, trying not to ruin the mood. Responsibilities of the day have been neglected. For hours, the outside world has been forgotten, marked as a nuisance, a distraction to their mutual worship. Oikawa couldn’t remember the time when he last enjoyed sex so much - or so much of it - during their relationship. The fact that it was the last time made every touch and every sensation special. 

_I wish it could stay like this._

He didn’t dare share his thoughts aloud, knowing that Kageyama would assure him that it can be, that he’s more than welcome to stay. Weak as he is, he would probably agree, and they would be back to square one. 

“I’m starving”, Kageyama broke the peaceful silence between them. They were currently in the bedroom, it was around 8pm. Oikawa laid on top of the setter, enjoying the soothing touch of the others palms on his back, which distracted him from the fact that seed was leaking out of his hole onto the bedding. The whole room smelled of sex, and not just this room, they have done it practically everywhere by now, leaving a mess as they went. 

“Let’s do last hugs then, and I will go so you can eat”, Oikawa replied, rolling off of the boy. 

“Can’t you at least stay for dinner?”

“You know that I can’t”, he tried to hide his displeasure, but Kageyama easily picked up on it and abandoned the subject. Instead, he pulled Oikawa closer into a tight embrace. 

“I will miss you.”

“And I will act like I didn’t hear anything”, Oikawa muttered back, gently caressing the boys’ back. 

When he left later that evening, Kageyama stood in the doorway, looking lost. They shared one last look, and it felt as if the door was being closed in slow motion, or maybe the brunette was really doing it that slowly. He left his set of keys on the kitchen counter, and the lack of their weight in his pocket made him anxious. 

“I wish you all the best”, were his last words before he shut the door, leaving Kageyama sobbing on the opposite side. Although he couldn’t see it, he could still hear the sound of his crying fade away as he walked down the stairs of _Kageyamas’_ apartment complex.


	37. Coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next few chapters will all have the same title :)
> 
> thank you guys for all the kind words!   
> it really motivates me to write more and release things quickly so let me know what you think each time, suggestions etc will definitely influence what happens to some extent ;)

Oikawa Tooru has the weirdest coping mechanisms. 

He moved in with Iwaizumi, of course. He barely had any savings, and getting a job was not as easy as it seemed at first - no one seemed to be looking for staff. Because of that, Iwaizumi got to see Oikawa in the most bizarre states. 

For the first day or so it appeared that the brunette was sulking. He barely spoke, lost in his thoughts most of the time. Iwaizumi notes that he never saw Oikawa so upset in the past. 

It wasn’t long before he wished they could go back to enjoying each other’s company in silence. Oikawa was angry. All the time. At everything. 

“I can’t fucking believe it”, the brunette muttered, staring menacingly at his phone. 

“What now?” 

“Shrimp is in town”, he chucked his phone at Iwaizumi, who barely caught it. He glared at Oikawa briefly to reprimand him, and then gazed down at the phone. It kept replying an Instagram story posted by Kageyama. Hinata had his phone and filmed himself grocery shopping with the setter, who scowled when the camera was pointed at him. 

“So?”

“What do you mean “so”?! It’s so convenient that as soon as I’m out of the picture he comes running back”, Oikawa walked up to his friend and ripped the phone out of his hand, which was completely unnecessary. 

“First of all, don’t take your anger out on me, sit back down”, Iwaizumi said sternly.

“I’m sorry”, Oikawa huffed, and returned to his chair. 

“Second of all, they are friends, of course Hinata is here now. Kageyama probably feels even worse than you do, he needs support too”, Iwaizumi’s tone was gentler, but it was clear that Oikawa had no right to argue back. 

When no response came, he nodded in approval and left the room.


	38. Coping

Iwaizumi thought he saw everything, when one day he woke up at 3am and found Oikawa eating ice cream in the living room, sobbing, while watching _The Great Gatsby_.

But that wasn’t even the start of it. 

“Oikawa…”, he sighed, not knowing what else to say. He rarely ventured into the room in his flat that Oikawa occupied, but now that he did, regret washed over him.

“You okay?”, the brunette asked, not even looking up from his phone. 

“This isn’t healthy…”

“Damn, Iwa-chan, you look terrified!”, Oikawa exclaimed, when he finally looked up at his friend. 

“Care to explain what is all this?”, Iwaizumi made a gesture indicating the entirety of the room. There were pictures of Kageyama. Everywhere. Some were attached to the walls, others were laid out on the desk. If it wasn’t pictures, there were quotes written on A4 sheets.

“Ah, I had to write them down before I forget, honestly I feel like I barely listened when we dated, I regret that a bit…”

“No, that’s not what I mean. Why do you have so many pictures here?”

“I don’t know, just felt a bit sad”, Oikawa shrugged.

“This is really fucking creepy.”

“Oh, stop. People have celebrity crushes like this all the time!”

“You dated him!”

“So?”

“We’re throwing all this away, immediately”, Iwaizumi started to crumple up the pictures on the desk. 

“No!”, Oikawa jumped to his feet and ripped the pictures out of his friends hands, almost tripping in haste. Iwaizumi grabbed him, providing stability. 

“You were meant to go to therapy.”

“Yeah, about that… That’s not happening, I realised it will just piss me off to listen to some dickhead with a clipboard tell me he knows more about my life than I do”, Oikawa didn’t let go of Iwaizumi since he got hold of him during his fall. 

“It has to happen, I mean, look at you, you’re such a mess. This has turned into an obsession now. Your emotions are all over the place, one second you claim you love him, the next you hate him, now you’re… I don’t even know what you’re doing. This has to stop.”

“Iwa-chan…”

“My house, my rules. This has to stop, or you’re out”, he tightened his grip on Oikawa’s shoulders, forcing him to look straight.

Oikawa opened his mouth to protest. 

“Don’t Iwa-chan me. We will throw out all this shit you gathered, and then get some food, okay?”, Iwaizumi coaxed him gently, and he could tell that Oikawa was reluctant, but after a few seconds surrendered and threw the pictures in his hand into the bin under the desk.

Iwaizumi never realised how many issues Oikawa had before, on the outside he appeared to be completely normal. Even now, no one at his university even suspected that he’s going through a tough break up. It really hurt to see him like this. 

“Good. You really need to get a grip, Shittykawa.”


	39. Coping

After this Oikawa didn’t bring home anymore posters of his ex, and stopped littering his room with quotes such as; “remind me to buy milk on the way home”. He did keep a few memorabilia here and there, Iwaizumi noticed that he had a small picture of Kageyama from high school tucked in behind his transparent phone case, but never mentioned it. 

However, that didn’t mean that anything changed in Oikawa’s attitude. 

“I feel like he’s doing this on purpose”, Oikawa leaned against the living room doorway, phone held tightly in his hand.

Iwaizumi had an exhausting day at work, and contrary to popular belief he had his own life and emotions to deal with too. The last thing he wanted to do right now was deal with Oikawa’s problems, and yet… 

“Who is?” 

“That orange shrimp!” 

“What is he doing now?”, Iwaizumi tried not to sound irritated, but was failing miserably. 

“He keeps posting shit on Tobio’s Instagram, do you think they are dating now?”, Oikawa ignored his friends tone and sat next to him on the couch.   
Not waiting for a reply he shoved his phone into Iwaizumis’ hands and looked at him expectedly. 

Kageyama was sleeping in the video, his black hair ruffled messily, lips slightly parted - he looked relaxed. Hinata zoomed out, revealing that he was also in the bed, flashed a peace sign and ended the video. 

“Could be, that shouldn’t be any of your concern, you guys aren’t dating anymore”, Iwaizumi said flatly, passing the phone back to Oikawa. 

“Now shoo, I wanna lay down”, he pushed Oikawa to move and the brunette obeyed, moving quickly. 

“Are you in a bad mood?”, Oikawa asked sheepishly, putting his phone away. 

“I am, had a hard day. Are you not concern about the love of your life having a new boyfriend anymore?”

“I’m sure Tobio wouldn’t move on that quickly”, he admitted, observing Iwaizumi closely, as he began taking his shirt off. 

“Then why are you moaning to me about it? I’m sure that Hinata is just showing their friends that Kageyama is doing fine”, Iwaizumi - now shirtless - laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. Oikawa swallowed hard and averted his gaze. 

“Yeah, probably. Well, goodnight!”, the brunette went back to his room in a hurry that left Iwaizumi confused. 

He saw Iwaizumi shirtless countless times before. Why was it any different now? It felt like he was overthinking it. He should just go to sleep.

Oikawa did not go to sleep. About 30 minutes later he wandered into the living room again. Iwiazumi was still on the couch, exactly as he left him. 

“Iwa-chan?”, he called out, approaching the couch. He waved his hand in front of the boys face, and Iwaizumi caught it without opening his eyes. 

“What now?”

“Can we… cuddle?”, the last word was barely a whisper. For a second he wasn’t sure if Iwaizumi even heard him. 

“Mm”, was all he got. Iwaizumi released his hand and turned to lay on his side, making space for Oikawa on the tiny surface of the couch. 

The brunette wiped his palms on his jeans nervously, and laid down facing his friend. 

“Are you just gonna look at me all evening or did you wanna cuddle? I’m going to bed soon.”

“Right, right”, Oikawa put one of his hands on Iwaizumis’ back, pressing himself tightly into the boy. Iwaizumi wiggled his hand out from between himself and Oikawa and hugged him tightly, pressing the brunettes’ face into the crook of his neck. 

Nothing. 

Oikawa felt nothing. He hoped to feel arousal, even if it would be awkward. Or some sort of warmth in his chest. But the sensation of his friends’ bare skin under his fingertips did not excite him. The touch was safe and platonic. He thought that his initial panic meant that he was attracted to Iwaizumi, but clearly it must have been something else. For now, he allowed himself to enjoy the comfort that came with the touch, and relaxed, trying not to think about how much different holding Kageyama in his arms was to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I bait you here? Perhaps :)


	40. Coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imma shock you guys with this one, let me know what you think in the comments! :)

Iwaizumi recently got a girlfriend, they knew each other for a while, but only officially dated for two weeks. Needless to say, they spent almost every moment together and she slept over frequently. Which meant she saw Oikawa in all sorts of states (and was fairly sympathetic about his situation, even if it interfered with her plans with Iwaizumi). 

On a Sunday morning the last thing you want to hear is loud music, and so Iwaizumi woke up fairly railed up. He was going to have a word with his neighbours, it’s only 9am - he thought. But, as he left the bedroom he realised that it’s most likely the neighbours who will have a word with him. The music was coming from the kitchen. 

He didn’t try to hide his presence, as he walked in, clearly irritated. What he saw melted his irritation away though. Oikawa was dancing with his girlfriend, and it seemed that they attempted to make pancakes in the meantime. The brunette was an excellent dancer, something Iwaizumi always envied him, and with ease made his girlfriend that had two left feet appear like a professional salsa dancer. She seemed to be enjoying it, and he made a mental note to try and ask Oikawa for tips later. 

“Having fun?”, he shouted over the music, folding his arms over his chest. Oikawa instantly jumped away, as if he did something wrong and turned the volume down. 

“We’re making you breakfast!”, his girlfriend chirped. She walked over and placed a chaste kiss on Iwaizumi’s cheek, ignoring the attitude he was giving them. 

“Mess, is what you’re making, let me finish off”, he kissed the top of her head briefly, and walked over to the stove, flipping the pancake before it fully burnt. 

“You aren’t mad?”, Oikawa asked, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 

“Why would I be?”, Iwaizumi asked back, not looking away from the stove. His girlfriend came up behind him and wrapped her hands around him, which he found quite cute. 

“I don’t know, we were dancing and stuff”, the brunette managed an answer awkwardly. 

“I’m not you, I don’t get jealous over the smallest thing.”

“Iwa-chan, you’re so mean!” 

“Iwaizumi you aren’t even a little jealous?”, his girlfriend moved to the side, looking up to see his face. He rolled his eyes. 

“Maybe a little. But let’s be real, Shittyikawa is probably more turned on by me making pancakes than by your dancing, I’m just being rational here”, he looked down at her, amused at her irritation. 

“I will neither confirm nor deny”, Oikawa put his hands up - _harmless_ \- and laughed. It’s been weeks since he saw Oikawa really laugh. 

“Oh, that’s the part I wanted to show you!”, before Iwaizumi can react, Oikawa pulls his girlfriend back into a dance, easily making her body twist and twirl to the rhythm, towards the end he purposely tripped her - since she had no clue she had to lean back - and held her tightly, merely 60 centimetres off the floor. 

“Alright, you’re pushing it now”, Iwaizumi chuckled, knowing fully well that Oikawa was waiting for a compliment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .The song they are dancing to is; _Welcome to Chillies by Young Gravy ft. bbno$_ <3


	41. Coping

It only got better from that day on. It was as if something in Oikawa's mind set shifted. As soon as that one positive change occurred, the other ones followed suit. He started submitting all his assignments on time, he got a job as a bartender, the only thing missing was that he still refused to go to therapy. 

_Baby steps_ \- Iwaizumi thought. 

“What’s so funny?”, he asked one day, catching Oikawa giggling at his phone, something that he hasn’t seen yet since the brunette moved in.   
“What are you, my mum?”, Oikawa scowled at him, but broke out into a smile pretty quickly.   
“Who are you calling your mum?!”, Iwaizumi slapped him with a rag he was using to dry the dishes. Despite the denial, he felt like he was Oikawa’s mum most of the time.   
“No one, no one!”, Oikawa jumped away, laughing cheerfully. 

_This is concerning now._

“Alright, then who are you texting?”  
“I was just looking at memes!”  
“Bullshit.”  
“Fine, fine”, Oikawa sighed, stashing his phone safely in his back pocket, a slight smile still on his face.

“Oh, this is serious now”, Iwaizumi said, turning to face his friend, giving him his full attention. He even put away the plate he was currently wiping on the counter, sensing that Oikawa is about to say something important. 

“I’m talking to someone…”, the brunette started off shyly. 

“I could tell that much, who is it?

“Well, it’s someone from the bar-”

“Care to elaborate?”, Iwaizumi attempted to be gentle, but begun feeling uneasy, Oikawa wasn’t ready for a new relationship. 

“He’s a regular, he’s usually there when I work, and we talk a lot… He gave me his number yesterday, so I messaged him today and it’s pretty clear that it’s nothing serious, so there is nothing to worry about Iwa-chan”, the brunette was fidgeting as he spoke, unable to take his friends’ scrutiny. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea”, Iwaizumi said, as soon as Oikawa finished his explanation. 

“It’s just friends with benefits, it can’t hurt to get some tension out of my system”, the reply didn’t satisfy his friend. 

“You never had a friend with benefits before, and I honestly don’t think you’re ready for this Oikawa”, Iwaizumi’s tone was serious, it made Oikawa stiffen a little, since his _actual_ name was used.

“I’m supposed to see him today, and I want to see where it goes, maybe it will help me move on, you never know”, the brunette replied after a second, trying to shrug with indifference at his friends’ concern. 

“Alright, do what you want, but don’t crawl back to me crying later”, Iwaizumi resumed drying the dishes. 

“I won’t!”, Oikawa laughed carelessly, and took out his phone again, as if the conversation never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, wonder who Oikawa's mystery man is...


	42. Guest Bedroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that was used to get me through this awfully long chapter: _“Closer - Nine Inch Nails”_
> 
> Sorry that it took a long time, it’s a bit longer than the usual updates in my defence ^^’
> 
> Also, in the meantime I posted another fanfiction; _“Sick Thoughts”_ , with the same pair, so feel free to check it out (although beware that it’s an omegaverse fic, so not everyone’s cup of tea!)

Oikawa wasn’t new to dating, but it certainly felt that way. 

When he first saw Kuroo come into the bar he felt uneasy - tall, black hair, tanned skin, tattoos on one arm. In one word: ** _trouble_**. His opinion on the man changed as soon as he opened his mouth though.

_“You must be new, never seen you before!”, his tone was cheerful, which made his deep voice less intimidating. A cheshire smile was spread across his face, and his overall posture signaled that he meant no harm._

_“You’re quite perceptive, it’s my first shift”, Oikawa replied, forcing a smile._

It’s been two weeks since that first interaction, and every day their relationship progressed slightly. It started off with Oikawa learning Kuroo’s drink preferences - _sour-beers in the summer, stouts in the winter_ \- and slowly progressed into learning about his sexual preferences - _anyone is fine, as long as they submit to me_.

Despite initially coming off across as a mysterious type, Kuroo was quite open, and willing to talk about anything. On occasion he would stay after closing when it was Oikawa’s shift, and offer to walk him home, after helping him chain the old-fashioned door. Oikawa always declined, and Kuroo took ‘no’ for an answer without any fuss. 

During those first few weeks there was no need to compare Kuroo to Kageyama. It was clear that they were completely different types of people, living very different lives. But the more intimate he got with Kuroo, the more he realised how much of a turn-off those differences were. 

Kuroo won’t take any bullshit from him, whenever Oikawa purposely got on his nerves, he just wouldn’t reply. 

He wouldn’t play any silly games Oikawa would start either - _if you aren’t interested then let’s drop this_ \- making him admit defeat so that he won’t lose his new companion. 

The day of their first somewhat official “date” came, and he had to admit to Iwaizumi that he’s seeing someone, which went exactly as expected. Iwaizumi was mad at him. But realistically, what could go wrong? He knew Kuroo well by now, or at least well enough to know that he wouldn’t hurt him in any way. 

They agreed to meet at 10pm in a pub close to Kuroo’s place. Needless to say, Oikawa was ready to leave the house at around 8, and awaited the time anxiously. Recently he became healthier, had 3 meals a day, went to the gym 6 days a week, and woke up early each morning; he felt uneasy about ruining all this with drinking, but at the same time felt like there is no other way he would go through with this. 

He tried not to think of Kageyama as he left. 

And definitely didn’t think of him when he and Kuroo drank at the pub. 

Maybe he thought of him a little while climbing the stairs of Kuroo’s apartment building. Was he not drunk enough for this? He enjoyed the way the taller boy squeezed his hand gently, it was reassuring. 

“Come here, Kitty”, Kuroo pulled him closer as soon as they were behind closed doors. Before he realised what’s happening he was pressed against the hard wood of the front door, and a soft moan escaped his mouth as Kuroo began kissing his neck. It was clear that he was in control, and Oikawa should just enjoy the process. 

_But it felt so different._

Kuroo was so confident, he knew exactly what he wanted, no hesitation in his movements.   
Kageyama could never act like that, seeking out signs of consent before he moved further. It always irritated Oikawa, but now he was anxious, feeling Kuroo’s hands skillfully untie the front of his laced-shirt. Nothing covered his mouth, and yet he felt like speaking-up would be inappropriate. 

“You seem tense”, Kuroo was receptive to Oikawa’s reactions, and the shift in the mood didn’t escape him. The brunette shook his head no.   
“Should I continue?” - _yes_.

Kageyama was never this verbal either, it caught him off guard when Kuroo asked him so openly. Oikawa decided to just focus on what is happening in the present, dwelling on the past will just ruin the mood. 

By the time they made it to the bedroom Kuroo’s shirt was discarded somewhere along the way, Oikawa’s was barely hanging onto him, the lace completely undone. 

“Had to make me work for it, huh?”, he laughed, and Oikawa muttered something in agreement, his usual swagger and confidence completely faded. 

Kuroo kissed, sucked and bit every bare inch of skin he could find. He loomed over the brunette, trapping him between the mattress and himself. There was music playing in the background faintly, and Oikawa only now picked up on it.   
“When..?”, he looked towards the sound, but Kuroo forced him to look back at him.   
“I put it on when we walked in, the neighbours will probably appreciate it more than-”, he didn’t finish, but palmed Oikawa through the thick material of his jeans, forcing a soft moan out of him.   
“Let me know if you don’t like something”, Kuroo whispered into his ear.   
“You will know”, the brunette smiled mischievously, the music gave him confidence. He wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s neck and pushed his hips forward, which was met with a groan of approval. 

_I have no soul to sell_ , the song chimed in, it was the first time Oikawa focused on the lyrics.   
“I have no soul to sell”, he echoed into Kuroo’s ear playfully, intensifying the grinding.   
“Neither do I, kitty, my soul already belongs to someone else”, the man replied, digging his nails into Oikawa’s hips and forcing him to stay still. He felt his cock twitch in the tightness of his jeans, begging to be touched.   
“That’s good”, Oikawa smiled and pushed his hips out, disregarding the pain caused by Kuroo’s strong grip.   
“So disobedient”, he sat up, still straddling Oikawa, and flashed him a predatory smile, as the brunette continued the movements.   
“What will you do? Punish me?”, Oikawa chucked, and pulled Kuroo back down.   
“Precisely.”

Despite the efforts to enjoy the make-out session, everything felt slightly off. It reminded Oikawa of the feeling of sleeping in a guest bedroom, where the blanket was always too tight or the room was always too cold or the decor was just slightly out of place. Kuroo’s touch was pleasant, it was arousing, and yet something was just _off_. 

It felt wrong. 

In the back of his mind Oikawa knew that it was because it should be Kageyama doing it with him. Kageyama who wasn’t a guest bedroom, but a home. Kageyama who felt safe and secure, even right after an argument. 

“Can we stop?”, Oikawa asked. He hasn’t spoken in what felt like half-hour, and his vocal cords disobeyed him, deforming his voice into a weak, raspy imitation.   
“What?”, Kuroo looked at him, he didn’t make out the words, the brunette was speaking too quietly for them to reach him over the music.  
“Stop. Is it okay if we stop?”, he said a bit louder, but it was still merely a whisper. He sounded pathetic.   
“Yeah, of course”, Kuroo got up, almost in haste which made Oikawa feel awkward, but simultaneously relieved.   
“I’m sorry if I did something wrong, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. We can just cuddle if you’d like”, the man was awfully nice and considerate.  
 _‘He must do this a lot’_ , Oikawa thought, but didn’t comment on it. He was grateful that he wasn’t being forced into anything he wasn’t comfortable with.   
“No, it’s not you, it’s me. Maybe cuddling will make me feel better. I’m sorry”, he replied and Kuroo pulled him into a warm hug. The music no longer hummed in the background, Kuroo must have turned it off when he got up.   
“Don’t apologise. I’m glad you told me”, the deep voice sent shivers down his spine. He felt the man's hand gently caressing his arm, it felt almost affectionate, almost caring, but not quite. 

Oikawa grew more disgusted with each touch. He became hyper aware of the spots in which their bodies connected and hated the sensation, the warmth, the fake comfort. 

It was impossible for him to find what he was looking for with Kuroo. He was tall and had dark hair, but he wasn’t Kageyama, he wasn’t home.   
Suddenly, he realised that tears are starting to surface in his eyes, and felt his throat tighten in anxiety. He couldn’t cry. Not here. He can’t be vulnerable in front of a stranger. 

These thoughts didn’t manage to stop the tears. He soon began sobbing quietly, hoping that the wind outside muffled the noises that escaped his mouth.   
“What’s wrong kitty?”, Kuroo asked, his tone gentle. It was clear that his concern was genuine, but Oikawa didn’t want to dwell on that.   
“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just that…”, he swallowed hard and turned around to face his almost lover.   
“Would you be mad if I went home now?”, the brunette asked, embarrassed with himself.   
“No, of course not, do you want me to call you an Uber?”, Kuroo asked and shifted away, a phone appearing in his hand instantly.   
“No, I’ve got it”, Oikawa sat up and reached for his own phone.


	43. Told You So

**5 MISSED CALLS FROM: SHITTYKAWA 02:40**

**6 MISSED CALLS FROM: SHITTYKAWA 02:41**

This was the sight that Iwaizumi woke up to in the middle of the night. He felt his insides turn upside-down, drowsiness disappearing instantly, as he practically jumped out of bed. There was no text messages, so it was unclear why Oikawa was calling, but it couldn’t be anything good.

He immediately called back, yet as soon as he did there was pounding at the door. _Who the hell is being so noisy in the middle of the night?_  
Forgetting the call, he rushed to the front door. Irritated, he swung it open, almost hitting the bothersome night guest with it. 

Which was of course his brunette temporary flatmate. Quite clearly drunk. 

“Oikawa! Why the fuck aren’t you picking up, you knobhead!”, Iwaizumi was furious to say the least. 

“If you were awake then there was no point, you knew to get the door!”, whined Oikawa, pushing his way into the flat. His shirt was only half done, and not even tucked into his jeans properly. The skin around his eyes was red, and his eyelids were slightly swollen. 

“Like hell I would! Who even knocks so hard in the middle of the night! I bet the neighbours will complain to the landlord!”

“They probably will, not because of me though, but because you’re screaming at the top of your lungs at 3am, Iwa-chan”, Oikawa said lightly, and grinned at his friend. Iwaizumi sighed and attempted to calm down, but one of these days he was sure that his friendship with Oikawa will drive him crazy. 

“So, do you wanna talk about why you’re here?”, he asked after a brief pause. Oikawa was clearly less drunk than he initially assumed, as he walked around the flat without any issues to get himself essentials. He got some water from the fridge, came back to leave it in the living room and a second later returned with a bowl of ice cream. Iwaizumi sat down on the couch, looking at the brunette expectedly. Oikawa ventured into his room, and came out with a thick blanket that he threw onto the couch, almost hitting Iwaizumi with it. 

“Am I forgetting something?”, he turned towards him, acting innocent. 

“I have no clue what the fuck you’re doing right now. But you should probably change into something more comfortable, this shirt… well, it looks horrible, but also pretty tight.”

“What’s wrong with the shirt?”, Oikawa asked, suddenly confrontational. 

“Why is it laced? It’s way too tight, you look like you’re trying too hard. And it’s way too feminine for you.”

“As expected, you have no sense of style Iwa-chan! It looks sexy, and it’s not feminine at all! A girl at the bar even asked me where I got it-“

“She probably wanted one for herself, idiot!”

“No, she probably wanted one for her boyfriend so that he can look as breathtaking as I do. Although, that’s probably impossible, she will be disappointed”, the brunette sighed sadly. _So damn dramatic_ , Iwaizumi thought.

“But you’re right, 'imma go change”, he announced and disappeared back into his room. 

“Then why the fuck did we just have this whole conversation?!”, Iwaizumi barked at the closed doors of Oikawa’s room.

“Just wanted you to relax a little”, the brunette said, walking back into the living room. Within seconds he was already buried under the heavy blanket on the couch, ice cream in hand, water long forgotten. 

“Well that clearly failed. No, no, drink water first”, Iwaizumi ripped the ice cream out of his friends hand and replaced it with a bottle. Oikawa whined miserably but complied and downed most of the bottle before making a come back to the ice cream. 

“I didn’t sleep with Kuroo”, he broke the silence after a while, suddenly on the brink of tears. 

“Why is that a bad thing?” 

“I think I’m cursed or something. It was a perfect opportunity, and Kuroo was really good too-“

“No details please”, Iwaizumi grimaced, despite years of friendship they never over shared when it came to sex life. 

“I meant good, as in, he was just very polite and caring, Iwa-chan, you perv. Everything we did at home, we could have done at a pub without getting in trouble really… I chickened out early on”, he admitted awkwardly. 

Iwaizumi bit back a _“I told you so”_.  
“Yeah, but it’s better to back out, if you're just gonna regret it later”, he said instead. 

“It’s not about that. It’s just… I think I’m broken or something, or maybe I’m just wired wrong in some way”, Oikawa muttered in between spoonfuls of ice cream. His lip was trembling and Iwaizumi could tell that he would break any second now. He waited patiently for the brunette to pull himself together. 

“Kuroo was there, and he was perfect and everything was more than fine, but for some reason it just felt wrong. All of a sudden I could only think about Tobio, and-“, he paused, trying to hold in tears. 

“It’s normal for that to happen though, it’s only been two months, you need time-“ 

“It’s not about time! I know that won’t change for shit. And I hate it. For the rest of my fucking life I won’t be able to fuck with anyone else without feeling like shit”, he spoke fast, his breath irregular, and as he finished, all the sobs that he held in to push these words through came out at once. He put the ice cream away, not looking at Iwaizumi. 

It hurt to see him like this. Oikawa was many things; smart, athletic, talented, irritating, bothersome and egoistic. But weak wasn’t one of them. Iwaizumi saw him in many states since he moved in, but this was possibly the worst. 

“Iwa-chan, are you crying? Are you stupid or something?”, he heard Oikawa say in between sobs, and zoned back in. The brunette turned to face him, looking awfully small under the blankets, with tears streaming down his cheeks. It was hard to believe that Oikawa was taller and probably stronger than him in moments like this. 

“I’m not stupid, you are, you idiot”, he mumbled, and pulled Oikawa closer, giving him a side hug. 

“I’m pathetic, right?”, the brunettes voice was trembling. 

“No, you're not, you’re just… lost, I guess”, Iwaizumi choked out, his voice hoarse from crying. 

“Do you think I could sleep with you tonight?”, Oikawa asked after they both calmed down a little. 

“You can, but would that help?”

“I don’t know, but your touch just feels… _safe_. I feel like I just want to be safe for a while”, he said calmly, his voice steady now. It made Iwaizumi realise that even though nothing happened between Oikawa and Kuroo tonight, Oikawa felt violated in some way. He was tense and uneasy, and Iwaizumi knew that it was because he pushed himself to do things he wasn’t ready for. 

“Come on, let’s go to sleep”, he said in the end and got up from the couch. Oikawa attempted to smile, as he followed him into the bedroom. 

The brunette fell asleep within minutes and Iwaizumi was left with his own thoughts, trying to think of what else he could do to help his friend. 

“I told you so, idiot”, he muttered, knowing that Oikawa can’t hear him. Unconsciously, the brunette tightened his embrace around him, smiling slightly in his sleep.


	44. Reward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again have been posting works other than 'Bad to You', and for that, I am sorry.   
> A new chapter is here now though, I'm not really satisfied with it, but we need to move on.  
> I want to thank everyone that comments under every chapter, it really keeps me motivated!  
> Thank you; liliies, Tokshoh, inabia, forida! You really motivate me an awful lot to keep this up :D

The next two weeks passed in a blurr. He continued with his routine; out of bed before 7am, 3 meals a day, gym 6 times a week, 2 hours per day for “self care and reflection” (read: catching up on volleyball news and pretending to be grateful for something). Oikawa’s life became numbers, but that was the only way in which he could force himself to be disciplined. 

Kuroo still came to the bar regularly, and nothing changed in their relationship. They continued their playful exchanges, treading carefully around the invisible line they created that limited them to purely friendship. Oikawa was glad that he didn’t have to confront him about what happened, it would have been too awkward. 

Bokuto was a new addition to his line up of regulars at the bar. He was Kuroo’s friend, but their _‘friendship’_ was painful to watch. Behind the smoke screen of ‘bro-dude’ interactions that he had with Kuroo, it was clear as day that he had a crush on him. Everytime the word ‘kitty’ was thrown Oikawa’s way, Bokuro appeared utterly heartbroken. 

“Isn’t Kenma your _‘kitty’_ though?”, he overheard Bokuro ask one evening.   
“Kenma is a different kind of kitty though, wild and feral, can’t be tamed”, Kuroo chuckled in response, shaking his head in resignation. _Who was Kenma?_ Oikawa wondered, but decided that he should sort his own life first before he butts into anyone else's.

And he had a lot to sort out. As much as he wanted to distract himself with his jam-packed routine and work, every free second he had, his head was full of Kageyama. Obsessive thoughts distracted him at home, at work, and at the gym. _Did he eat? What is he doing now? Does he still have practice at the same times? Does Hinata come with him every chance he gets?_ It occurred to him that when he lived with Kageyama he never really cared about any of this, but now he would sacrifice a lot just to get some intel on his ex. 

Oikawa managed to create a whole reward system around Kageyama’s instagram stories. If he made significant progress on his university work, or followed his schedule to a dot, he would reward himself with a quick look, to see what his ex has been posting. 

Kageyama was never active on social media, but ever since Hinata moved in with him, he completely took over and posted at least 3 times a day. In some stories it appeared like Kageyama didn’t appreciate being recorded out of the blue, often asking _“where did you get my phone”_ , in others, he seemed too tired to argue. Apart from that, he was completely fine, as if life for him didn’t change at all. Awareness of the fact that he was the only one impacted by their break up stirred up insufferable sadness in Oikawa’s heart, but he chose to push it down, and appreciate the fact that he hasn’t been blocked yet. 

It was one of those times when Oikawa decided to claim his well deserved _‘reward’_ , that he saw a story posted directly from Kageyama. It was a picture of him in his team's jersey, his cheeks flushed from exercise, and hair slightly out of place; he was on his way home from practice. The caption stated: _“still waiting for you, ot”_. He took a screenshot and showed it to Kuroo, completely ignoring his manager giving him a displeased look on the side.   
“OT? Like out trapping?”, Bokuto examined the screenshot carefully, as if it were a difficult maths equation.   
“No, idiot, like Oikawa Tooru, clearly!”, Kuroo ripped the phone out of his friends hand, laughing cheerfully. He checked Kageyama’s account.   
“It’s a private story, it shows that he didn’t post today to anyone else”, Kuroo passed his phone to Oikawa as evidence. 

For the rest of the night Oikawa was lost in thought, earning himself a warning from his manager, after breaking the third glass that shift. As soon as he got home, he interrupted Iwaizumi’s private time with his girlfriend to show them the screenshot.   
“So he still remembers you, huh?”, Iwaizumi chuckled.   
“Well, of course, but… _he’s waiting_ ”, Oikawa said out loud what he kept repeating in his head for the past few hours.   
“Waiting for what?”, he looked at Iwaizumi, completely lost.   
“For you to complete therapy, idiot.”  
“But I don’t want to.”  
“Do you not want to get back with him?”  
“Well, I do…”, Oikawa fumbled with his phone awkwardly, avoiding Iwaizumi’s stern gaze.   
“I will book you an examination for tomorrow, we can go together, I have a day off”, Iwaizumi decided, and right after promptly pushed Oikawa out of his room.


	45. Professional

Locked in his room all weekend, Oikawa finally _thought_ about their situation. He knew that the things he’s done were wrong. But was he really the sick one in the relationship? Didn’t Kageyama have issues too? If what he did was so wrong, then why did Kageyama still think about him? Why was he waiting for him? 

When he started asking Iwaizumi these questions the only reply he got was: _“This is why you need therapy”_. And maybe it was valid. The longer he cuddles his pillow reminiscing about his times with Kageyama, the worse he felt. If he broke his wrist that time, or injured it more seriously, it could have been the end of the setters career. He knew that well. In the past, he would probably rejoice knowing that Kageyama can no longer play. Now the possibility of that made his stomach turn. That was his whole life, without volleyball Kageyama was nothing. 

Birthdays were a big theme in their relationship too. Oikawa always pretended to forget, Kageyama never made a fuss over it. He realised that if Kageyama missed even one of his birthdays he would probably never forgive him that. Despite being a grown man, he couldn’t stand the possibility of being forgotten. Kageyama was really a masochist if he stayed with him despite that. 

But was all this really something he could tell a stranger about? Instead, couldn’t he just talk it over with Iwaizumi? _”I’m not a professional”_. Was the response he got when he vocalised these thoughts. Did he really need a professional? The more he dwelled on it, the more he realised that he probably did.


	46. Text

During the first visit with his general doctor, during which it was meant to be determined if he’s eligible for a free therapist, the doctor appeared somewhat traumatised after hearing about Oikawa’s misdemeanors. Nevertheless, he instantly got assigned to a therapist, and the waiting time was not that long, only two weeks. It made him feel terrible. He must have been really messed up for people to react like that. 

Was it going to be the same in therapy? As much as he wanted to change, for the sake of his relationship with Kageyama, he wouldn’t be able to bare someone else scrutinising him twice a week for at least two months. 

“You sound like a real dickhead, you know?”, Iwaizumi elbowed him on their way home.  
“What do you mean?”, Oikawa pouted, irritated.  
“He suffered a lot because of you, and you still only care about yourself, at this point I wonder if even therapy will help you”, his friend was harsh, but Oikawa knew what he said was true. 

Later that night he texted Kageyama, for the first time in three months. 

**_22:43 - “Starting therapy in 2 weeks. Thinking about you a lot.”_ **

_seen 22:44_

He smiled to himself. At this point he was so deprived of Kageyama’s attention that even being ignored by him made his heart flutter.


	47. Regurgitation

Kiyoko Shimizu was objectively the most beautiful woman Oikawa ever laid eyes on. Everything about her was perfect; she was a natural beauty, and her reserved personality only amplified her charm. 

“Compliments won’t get you far Tooru. Besides, I thought you were gay”, was the only response when they were behind the closed doors of her office.   
“I never told you that”, he eyed her in suspicion, laying his coat on the seat next to the one he planned to sit on.   
“Don’t make a mess in my office, hang it over there”, she pointed at a row of hangers attached to the door. Oikawa shrugged nonchalantly, as if he wasn’t just told off, and while Shimizu was setting up at her desk, he hanged his coat in the right place.   
“So? Did you just make an educated guess that I like it in the ass?”, he dropped himself on the seat with a heavy sigh. 

“Don’t speak to me like this”, she scolded and Oikawa straightened himself unconsciously.   
“Sorry”, he mumbled, not meeting her stern gaze.   
“Your friend Iwaizumi shared this information with me, considering the nature of your... _issues_ I couldn’t be sure that the information you will share with me will be correct. So I conducted some interviews prior”, she explained, putting some notes in order in her desk.   
“Is that even legal?”  
“It’s actually a pretty common procedure”, she gave him a faint smile.

“So, can you tell me why you’re here?”  
“Do I have to if you already know everything?”, he crossed his arms.  
“I think it would be better if I hear it from you too, it’s important that I get to see your perspective”, Shimizu got up from her desk, and took a seat across from Oikawa in the centre of the room. He nodded solemnly. The events of his relationship have passed through his mouth so many times that it was slowly becoming a meaningless word vomit that he had to regurgitate on command.


	48. Lamp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wonder how many pages you have read of this so far, it is 52 at present, and that's... a lot :')

If someone entered Shimizu’s office right now, they would think that she has done the unthinkable and got into a fight with her patient. That was not the case. But that’s how it appeared to be. Oikawa was looking anywhere, but at her, his eyes currently peeled to the most boring lamp you could find in Ikea. Shimizu in turn was looking straight at him, silently challenging him. 

It has been two weeks since they began therapy. Two sessions a week, so four in total for now. And the scenario described above was a common one, even though Oikawa would never admit it.

“Oikawa, sir, look at me”, Shimizu’s toneless voice filled the room. Usually there was music in the background, but at the moment it was so silent, that even though her voice was barely above a whisper it pierced Oikawa’s ears and he turned to her hastily, showing his irritation.   
“I am”, he huffed, and the corners of her mouth twitched, she was clearly pushing back a smile.   
“Good”, she praised. Shimizu appeared completely relaxed, but that was not the case either. Oikawa was the most exhausting patient she has ever had.   
“Will you answer my question now?”, the therapist spoke up again, seeing that Oikawa did not plan to address her again.   
“No, I don’t think I’m a fu-”, he paused abruptly, “I don’t think I’m a sociopath”, the arrival at the end of the sentence was much more gentle than he intended. Swearing was not allowed in the office, it was one of the house rules made by Shimizu during their first session. 

“Well, have you ever considered the possibility?”   
“Why would I?”, he sounded offended, or even wounded, but she paid him no mind.   
“What you described just now, the way you approached your ex partner, sounds like it was an emotionless scheme, designed purely to torment him.”   
“Because it was at first! How many times do I have to repeat myself? Shouldn’t you be noting what I’m saying if you keep forgetting stuff?”, he blew up on her, something she got used to over the past two weeks. Whenever a subject became difficult, Oikawa would try to turn the situation against her - a very simple defence mechanism. 

“So you’re admitting that you approached him with a clear ‘game plan’, let’s call it, and made sure that you said the correct things to lure him into a relationship with you”, she swiftly summarised, making Oikawa shift uncomfortably in his chair.   
“Well, it wasn’t exactly like that”, he started, but then paused and thought about his words carefully. Shimizu waited for him to gather his reflections into a concise argument.   
“I did mean the things I said, and I didn’t pretend to be different than I usually am… I was just nice from time to time”, Oikawa finally said, with a confused expression on his face. Clearly he didn’t realise this himself until now. 

“So you didn’t manipulate him then, since you were honest?”, she asked, her tone neutral.   
“No, I still only approached him to hurt him though”, he backtracked, suddenly guilty. Shimizu nodded in approval.   
“I’m not denying that. But since you did mean what you said, then doesn’t that mean you had a crush on him before you approached him?”  
“Okay, listen, you can find someone attractive and still hate them”, Oikawa crossed his arms, staring at her, trying to challenge her authority.  
“That’s true, but for the first three years of your relationship you said it was not very physical out of your choice”, Shimizu was not intimidated by Oikawa’s argumentative personality.   
“Well, yeah, that’s true…”  
“Which means most of your relationship was purely emotional”, she said, smiling slightly. Oikawa hated when she became satisfied with herself like this, after cornering him.  
“I suppose”, he muttered in defeat. 

“Did you ever consider that you wanted to be in a relationship with your ex partner because you had a crush on him back then?”, Shimizu asked calmly. Oikawa looked at her in disbelief. _Did this woman ever listen to him?_  
“I clearly admitted that I did it for the wrong reasons, are you trying to excuse my toxic behaviour now?”, he rebutted triumphantly, knowing that self-destruction in this case will help him win the argument.   
“I think you only hated him because deep down you were ashamed of your attraction”, once again, Shimizu locked eyes with him, and Oikawa looked at the cheap Ikea lamp, which was as uninteresting as it was five minutes ago when he last looked at it.   
“That makes no sense, my whole team knew that I was into guys”, his voice was beaming with confidence, but his posture betrayed the fear and uncertainty that sprang through him.   
“But not that specific guy, your rival, someone that was always only half-a-step behind you”, she almost directly quoted what he said on their first meeting. _So she does listen sometimes_.  
“I don’t think I was in love with him, for the first year I did everything I could to make him break up with me.”  
“But he still stayed, and that made you change your mind, right?”  
“More like I got used to him, and didn’t want to be alone again.”

“Do you want to hear my thoughts on this?”, Shimizu asks after a while, and Oikawa peels his eyes off of the lamp to look at her again.   
“All you do is say what you think, but be my guest”, he mutters.  
“I think that you struggled to admit that you had a crush on him when you were younger, which is why it amplified your hatred for him. When you did realise your feelings, it went to the other extreme, from hatred to obsessive love, which is the state it is in now. If this was about loneliness, you would have settled for anyone. But for the whole duration of your relationship you never cheated or tried to end it yourself. I will leave you to think about this, time is almost up, so give me your thoughts on this in our session next week”, and with this, she left him utterly confused. This was also common in their sessions, each time he left the office, he felt like he didn’t even know himself. Shimizu made him question everything he did in life, even the university choice he made, and it was driving him crazy. In her eyes he was getting better each week, to him, however, they were making no progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the next chapter; will feature drug abuse  
> But also, you will be getting a Kageyama pov, probably for the first time in this story :D


	49. Lean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: drug abuse

It has been four weeks since Oikawa messaged him saying he will be starting therapy. Kageyama left it unanswered. He wasn’t sure what Oikawa wanted to hear from him. It’s been months. Why is he only starting now? Disappointment made his heart heavy. 

For the past few weeks he was struggling to come to terms with their break up. Hinata’s presence both helped and made things worse. As much as he appreciated his friends effort, he expected too much too quickly. The tension between them became unbearable, and there were moments when he regretted the fact that Hinata moved in with him and took Oikawa’s place. 

When it came to Oikawa he truly wasn’t sure what to think. On some days he woke up glad that they weren’t together anymore, he knew it was the right thing to do. Hate started building up in him over time, and he was relieved that he doesn’t have to spend time with someone that hurt him so deeply. However, on most days he woke up sinking in regret. The feeling of his throat tightening in anxiety became a regular occurance that he got used to. He regretted not stopping Oikawa that time, begging him to stay. But he was strong; he didn’t text, call or e-mail the brunette, just as he promised himself. Mainly because Hinata had his phone most of the time. The redhead enjoyed managing his social media, and at first Kageyama didn’t mind, but over time it became bothersome, and he wished that Hinata would stop posting embarrassing videos of him for everyone to see.

Kageyama came back from practice, it was a Wednesday night, middle of the week. Hinata was at home, reading the new release of shounen jump. Since he was currently in the process of being scouted for MSBY he couldn’t attend practice with him.  
“How was it?”, Hinata asks, not raising his eyes from behind the comic.   
“Exhausting”, Kageyama gives a brief reply, and heads straight for the fridge.   
“At least take your shoes off first”, the redhead mutters, Kageyama ignores him. He takes milk out of the fridge and drinks straight from the bottle. 

Wednesday. Middle of the week. And yet, when he comes back from the shower and checks his phone he sees 28 missed calls. Luckily his phone was on silent and Hinata didn’t notice this.

_**28 missed calls from Oikawa Tooru** _

He couldn’t believe this. Worry overcame him. There was no reason for Oikawa to call. So why? Something must have happened. Something really bad. 

Without a second thought he called back. No answer. He called again. Still no answer.   
He tried multiple times, but Oikawa was not picking up. Kageyama felt his heart racing in his chest, and in an adrenaline rush he got ready to leave the house in record speed.   
“Kageyama?”, Hinata peeked into his room, noticing his strange behaviour.  
“I’m leaving.”  
“Where to?”   
Kageyama sighed and showed his friend the amount of missed calls he had from Oikawa. Hinata’s face twisted in an unusual grimace that Kageyama wasn’t sure how to classify.   
“So he spam calls you and now you’re rushing to his side? Are you an idiot?”, the redhead crossed his arms. He stood in the doorway firmly, as if to show that he won’t let Kageyama get past.   
“Hinata, he hasn’t called me in months-“  
“Exactly!”  
“Something is definitely wrong if he called me so many times”, Kageyama forcibly moved Hinata out of his way and left the room.   
“You coming with?”, he turned around to look at the redhead. The boy nodded solemnly, grabbed his jacket from the corridor and hurried out of the apartment after Kageyama. 

They drove in silence. Usually Kageyama enjoyed driving his car, that was deemed too expensive for a first car by Oikawa, but right now the only thing he could focus on was finding out the reason behind the missed calls. The fact that he didn’t pick up worried him sick, and he felt his guts turn upside down in anxiety as he sped up. Hinata glanced at him from time to time, but he chose to ignore him for now. 

When they got to Iwaizumis apartment, they were greeted with music that was way too loud and obnoxious for the time of night it was played at. As they approached the door, Kageyama saw that there was someone trying to get into the apartment already.   
“You punks here for the party too?”, the old man barked at them, practically red in anger.   
“No, we’re here to end it”, Kageyama replied, visibly livid. He reached to the top of the door-frame and took the spare key with ease.   
“We will take care of this sir, you can go home now, I promise the music will be gone by the time you reach your door”, Hinata tried to calm down the neighbour, that looked at them in suspicion. 

Kageyama paid him no mind, opened the door and walked in. He knew Iwaizumi’s house well, him and Oikawa spent a lot of time here when he first moved here.   
“Tooru”, he called out, seeing Oikawa sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling absentmindedly. The brunette looked around confused before he locked eyes with him.   
“Tobio”, the older man said breathlessly, his eyes were glossy. He wasn’t drunk, but something about him was off. 

As they stared at each other, Hinata turned the loud music off without missing a beat.   
“Ah, Hinata, hey”, Oikawa muttered after a few seconds, lazily moving his gaze to the redhead.  
“Why did you call me?”, Kageyama cut to the chase.   
“I did?”, the brunette looked at him surprised. All his movement was slightly off, slower than usual, it was clear that his coordination was off and he tried to make up for it by regulating his movements.   
“Are you high?”, Kageyama asked, coming closer.   
“He’s clearly high as a kite, what kind of question-“, Hinata started, but his friend cut him off with a glare.   
“I think so”, Oikawa sounded confused. Kageyama started at him in disbelief.   
“Ah, Tobio-chan, I remember why I called you. I missed you so much, and I just thought you should know that I love you a lot”, the brunette said with a dreamy smile on his lips, then stood up on unsteady legs and embraced Kageyama. Without a second thought he put his arms around the man.

“What did you have?”, Kageyama made a little space between them and cupped the brunettes face with his hand, making him meet his gaze.   
“I’m not sure”, he replied weakly.   
“Probably whatever this is”, Hinata raised a strawberry KA bottle up and showed it to Kageyama.   
“He got high from strawberry soda?”, he stared at his friend in disbelief.   
“No-“  
“Yeah”, Oikawa laughed a little and held the hand that cupped his cheek so that Kageyama couldn’t take it away. The situation was tragic, he was disappointed in Oikawa, but for some reason his heart could not stop racing. The happiness at seeing the brunette was overwhelming, despite the circumstances. 

“Where did you get it?”, Kageyama asked calmly, ignoring Hinata’s irritated shuffling around the house. In the background the redhead located the fridge and came back with cold water.   
“Bokuto gave it to me, Kuroo told him I needed to chill, so when his friends dropped by they told me to drink this after work, said it would help”, Oikawa wasn’t making much sense. It was hard to determine who gave him the drugs after all. But he did know Bokuto.   
“Bokuto Kotaro?”, Hinata asked surprised and Oikawa nodded slowly.   
“Small world huh”, he mused, but Kageyama didn’t waste any time. He forced Oikawa to sit back down, although parting with his body warmth wasn’t pleasant and reached for his phone. He found Bokuto in his contacts and called despite the late hour. 

“Hey, wassup Kageyama”, Bokuto picked up after a few signals, clearly not bothered by the time or the fact that someone he barely talks to has the audacity to call him out of the blue.   
“What did you give to my boyfriend?”, Kageyama couldn’t contain his anger. It was Oikawa’s fault for taking the shit, but the fact that an athlete he was friends with condoned this behaviour made his blood boil.  
“Your boyfriend? What? Do you have the wrong person on the line?”  
“Oikawa Tooru.”  
“Oh! Shit… My friends gave him some lean. Why? Did something happen?” 

Kageyama was familiar with lean, only by name though. 

“He had the whole bottle, there is barely any left. Will that be fine?”   
“Fuck no!”, Bokuto answered almost immediately. Kageyama felt his heart jump in his chest and cast a side glance at Oikawa who appeared completely fine.   
“The concentration of codeine was really high, they made it clear to dose it, what an idiot. It hasn’t been that long since he parted with us. Listen, I will be on my way there. Make him throw it up. He couldn’t have digested it all”, Bokuto’s usual cheerfulness faded away as he began giving directions.   
“I will send you the address”, and with that Kageyama hanged up.


	50. Selfish

Kageyama could tell that Oikawa was about to say something about the lewd connotations of what he was about to do. Getting him to kneel on the toilet floor was weirdly easy. Before Oikawa let out as much as a laugh, Kageyama shoved his long fingers into the brunettes throat and took them out before the man registered what happened. Soon, an abnormal amount of a worryingly bright pink syrup like substance mixed with the toilet water, and Kageyama had to look away, feeling sick himself at the sight. 

“Bokuto said to give him water”, Hinata slipped his hand through the toilet door, and passed a bottle to Kageyama, who in turn passed it to Oikawa. The brunette drunk, but it seemed that the water didn’t quench his thirst. Glassy eyes looked straight at Kageyama from under the brown bangs stuck to Oikawa’s forehead. Why did he look so sad?   
“I’m sorry, Tobio”, he muttered, in a moment of weird clarity. Was he sorry for what happened in the past? Or for the fact that Kageyama had to induce a gag reflex in him a few seconds prior?   
“It’s okay, stand up”, he didn’t ask and instead pulled the brunette up gently. 

Hinata sat in the living room, clearly irritated.   
“Kageyama, you have a game tomorrow”, he informed, matter of factly.   
“I know. They will have to sub me out, I can’t leave now.”  
“Are you being serious? Just call a fucking ambulance and let’s go home!”, Hinata was losing his cool at this point. Kageyama tried to sympathise with him, but a sudden irritability overcame him.   
“Are you an idiot? Call and ambulance and what? Tell them that I’m worried my dumb ex might have overdosed on fucking cough syrup”, he turned around abruptly, making Hinata take a step back. Oikawa was back on the couch, he still seemed completely fine.   
“I’m not dumb Tobio-chan, and it’s not cough syrup”, the brunette pouted.  
“Am I an idiot? Look at yourself! He ignores you for months, and now you jump around him like a love sick puppy! Get your shit together!”, Hinata suddenly matched him in anger, completely ignoring Oikawa, who looked between them confused.   
“Damn, Shrimpy you got a lot to say”, he mumbled, but his voice drowned in Kageyama’s.

“Don’t speak to me like that! Just because we slept together once, doesn’t mean you get to chat shit about my life and my decisions. You can leave if you want, no one is holding you back, the door is open. I didn’t ask you to come”, it was clear that by the end of his sentence he regretted his outburst, but it was too late to take the words back.  
“You guys slept together?”, Oikawa managed weakly, his look didn’t betray any emotions.   
“Yeah, it was fun”, Hinata's said, grabbing his jacket from the couch next to Oikawa and heading for the door.   
“I’m glad you had fun, I guess”, the brunette replied, his tone confused. Kageyama wasn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t this. An outburst, a fight, not… acceptance? 

Hinata was about to burst out of the door, and opened it with a bit too much strength, accidentally pulling Bokuto, who was on the other side, with the door.   
“Oh, hey Hinata, you okay?”, the white haired boy pulled Hinata right back inside, not paying much mind to the heavy atmosphere in the room.   
“Damn, you guys aren’t having much fun, huh?”, Bokuto muttered, making a beeline straight for Oikawa. He kneeled beside him, and put his hand on the brunettes forehead, making his hair part awkwardly.   
“You should be fine buddy”, he smiles at him brightly. Kageyama feels relief wash over him, although Bokuto isn’t a trained medical professional, he needed to hear that everything will be fine with Oikawa.   
“Are you sure?”, he asked, and made his way to sit next to the brunette on the couch.   
“Yeah, we just need to stay with him in case something changes. But yeah, I’ve seen people do dumber things before”, Bokuto shrugged.

Only now Kageyama paid attention to him. He looked like shit, his hair was down, not styled like usual. His eyes were slightly swollen as if he was crying not long ago. Kageyama wasn’t going to ask, it wasn’t his business.  
“And just for the record, I don’t take this kind of shit. Friends of friends do, and since we’re in the same circle it just gets around”, the white haired man continued, while forcing Oikawa to drink some more water.   
“You didn’t tell Kuroo, did you?”, suddenly the brunette interrupted the one sided conversation.   
“No, we…”, Bokuto couldn’t conceal his sorrow, and it became obvious that it was a touchy subject.   
“We weren’t together anymore when Kageyama called”, he quickly pulled himself together and smiled brightly, rubbing Oikawa’s thigh for a reason Kageyama couldn’t specify. How close were they?   
“I’m sorry, this sucks so much, I just”, Oikawa started suddenly, tears in his eyes. He pulled Bokuto closer and hugged him tightly.   
“What the hell are you on about kiddo?”, Bokuto laughed, faking cheerfulness with ease, and pushed Oikawa away as gently as possible. 

“Hinata, are you staying?”, Kageyama turned to him, since the redhead still stood close to the door with his jacket in hands.   
“Yeah, I’m sorry”, the boy surrendered.   
“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I was just-”, he really felt horrible for treating Hinata like that. They were best friends, he didn’t deserve to be thrown away like a play-thing for simply caring about him.   
“It’s not your fault. You made it clear that it was just a one night stand, I overstepped the boundaries”, Hinata shrugged, concealing how uneasy the situation made him. 

Oikawa’s eyes lazily switched between the two of them, and then he leaned in to whisper to Bokuto.  
“They slept together, I always knew Hinata had hots for Tobio, but damn, never knew it would happen you know”, he whispered loudly enough for the whole room to hear. The way in which he said it wasn’t bitchy or confrontational, he appeared to be absolutely calm. It confused Kageyama. Shouldn’t he be angry? _Did he want him to be angry?_ No. He only wanted him to be angry because this is what he was used to. It doesn’t mean that he loves him any less if he isn't. Unless he moved on? No. He said he loves him when he first came through the door. 

The overthinking hurt. 

“Where is Iwaizumi, by the way?”, Hinata asked, to amend for the uncomfortable atmosphere in the room.   
“Love island”, Oikawa replied cheerfully.   
“The TV show?”, Bokuto laugh at the nonsense Oikawa was spilling.   
“No, like a… what’s it called… a couples thing… a resort!”  
“Oh, he went with someone?”  
“Yeah, I paid for him and his girl to go, man, don’t want them fucking next door to me all the time”, the brunette giggled, making Hinata cringe a little. Kageyama knew Iwaizumi couldn’t be here to babysit Oikawa 24/7, but he really wished he would. This boy made a mess wherever he went. 

He felt horrible for being so selfish. Hurting Hinata’s feelings was only the beginning. Was he adapting Oikawa’s traits? Or developing new, even worst ones? He hated himself for stooping down so low. Amending things with Hinata will be hard, and with Oikawa, who appeared not to care at the moment, but will probably be devastated once sober. He hadn’t thanked Bokuto yet for coming to his aid at such a late hour. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak, Bokuto said: 

“Okay, let’s head to sleep guys. Oikawa if you feel like trash wake up your boyfriend”, he ordered.   
“My ex, you mean”, the brunette corrected.  
“Huh? Kageyama said boyfriend over the phone, I don’t know”, he shrugged. In no time they began piling up blankets on the floor so that they can all sleep together. 

“Man, I’m so grateful for you guys, you care about me so much”, Oikawa mumbled sleepily. Hinata muttered something in response, while Bokuto just laughed at the childlike manner in which the brunette spoke. Kageyama didn’t reply. He couldn’t get rid of the weight of his words that crushed his own ribs with every breath. Being with Oikawa brought out the worst in him. Nevertheless, he moved closer and put his arm around his ex, pulling him into his arms.


	51. Undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine updating Bad to You regularly, what a wild concept.  
> If you guys are bored waiting for updates, read this: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444779/chapters/56195983  
> I discovered this work today, and it needs more attention, it's a rare OiSuga, and it made me feel things I haven't felt in ages.

Holding tears in in the complete darkness became a hindrance. His throat burned, he couldn’t contain a soft whimper of sorrow, as the warm tears finally streamed down his face. Breaking down between your future team mate and one-sided crush seemed like an unwise decision, and so Hinata sneaked out to the bathroom. Never before had he felt so hopeless, as he did now, sitting on the closed toilet, crying silently into his hands. 

He did nothing wrong, he knew that much. He can’t control someone else's feelings. Let alone Kageyama’s, on whom he should have given up years ago. It was hard to let go. He was in love with him since the beginning of high-school. Not even in his wildest dreams would he suspect that the setters’ romance with Oikawa will last this long. Especially, due to it’s abusive nature. 

Hinata was there for Kageyama through it all. He kept him company when the setter worked his ass off at Ukai’s store to afford overpriced gifts for his boyfriend. He was there to comfort him when Oikawa forgot his birthday the same year. His advice to dump Oikawa fell on deaf ears. Kageyama would always say he didn’t mind, that being able to consider himself Oikawa’s boyfriend was already a dream come true. 

Some days Kageyama would give him a knowing look. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t aware of Hinata’s feelings for him, he would have to be blind and deaf to miss the way Hinata felt about him. Nevertheless, they never brought it up. Not even now, after living together for months. Not after sharing a bed. 

After a few deeper breaths he stood up and walked over to the sink. Washing his face with cold water seemed to only make the redness around his eyes worse. It didn’t matter, it was dark anyway. When he returned into the living room, it appeared that everyone was still sound asleep. It hurt that no one noticed he was gone. It hurt to see Kageyama holding Oikawa tightly. It hurt to suffer all this alone. 

He fell asleep, curled up behind Bokuto, who left barely any space, spreading himself out like a starfish. 

When he woke up next, there was a dim light coming from the kitchen. It could be any time between 4am and 6am, he couldn’t tell, and didn't bother to look for his phone. Bokuto laid still next to him, and Hinata realised that the man made some space for him. He appreciated that. 

Slowly he turned his head in the direction of the light and saw two figures standing in the doorway of the kitchen. The taller one - Kageyama - had his back against the left side of the door-frame, while the shorter one - Oikawa - stood close by, hands on the others chest. Kageyama held his hands loosely around Oikawa’s waist. Their silhouettes were mesmerising. Like something from a movie. 

The sight made his guts twist in anxiety. Seeing the man who fucked you senseless days prior coming undone from the merest brush of fingertips from the one he swore himself to was heart-breaking. It was like a curse.

They were talking, and Hinata had to focus to make out the words. It seemed like all they said were sweet nothings, but then he heard it…  
“I love you”, the words left Kageyama’s parted lips effortlessly. The words Hinata always wanted to hear directed at him, were now repeated to Oikawa Tooru, like a mantra.  
“You kept it”, was Oikawa’s response, as he fished out the golden ring that hasn’t left Kageyama’s neck for months now, from under his shirt. Not even when he was plunging deep into Hinata, did the ring leave his neck. Instead it gently rocked back and forth with the setters movements, right in front of his eyes, reminding him that he will never be the one Kageyama truly wants. Now, Oikawa put his middle finger through the golden band, and used the chain it was attached to, to pull Kageyama closer, bumping their foreheads together lightly. 

_Kageyama is like a dog on a tight leash._ Hinata thought. 

“Just kiss me”, Kageyama whispered, cupping Oikawa’s cheek, and Hinata shuddered at the desperation in the setter’s voice.  
“I can’t”, the brunette shook his head slightly.  
“If it’s about Hinata-”, at the sound of his name the redhead felt his chest tighten, his whole body tensed. Tears threatened to make a comeback, and he really couldn’t afford that right now.  
“It’s not. We’re not together, remember? You can do what you want Tobio, it won’t make me love you any less”, what Oikawa said didn’t sound like him at all, Hinata remembered all the fights he would start out of irrational jealousy, and now… this? It was shocking, but it truly seemed like the brunette came to his senses. 

Why did Kageyama appear so hurt then? 

Did he only sleep with Hinata to make him jealous? But they weren’t even speaking back then, that’s absurd. 

“Don’t make that face. It still hurts, and I’m still jealous… But, I can’t hold it against you, Tobio”, the way Oikawa said the setter’s name tug at Hinata’s heartstrings. He hated the man, and yet he made the name sound so sweet. It clearly tug at Kageyama’s heartstrings too, because he pulled the brunette closer.

Instantly he felt an arm around himself pulling him back too. Bokuto was way too casual, he needed to give him a talk about personal space when he’s in a better head space.  
“Wanna head out for a second?”, he felt the man’s hot breath on his ear and shivered.  
“Yeah”, the reply came out as a broken whimper. Bokuto slowly got up, as to not draw attention to them, and pulled Hinata up. They crept out of the balcony door, which luckily for them was unlocked.

“It’s alright. I know. Just breath for a second”, Bokuto held him close as soon as they closed the door behind themselves. The redhead buried his face in the man's wide shoulder and allowed himself to cry. The air was cold, and it was raining, but it worked wonders for Hinata. Within a few minutes he felt much better.  
“You don’t have to explain”, the man said, as Hinata opened his mouth, looking up at him to make an excuse about his pathetic state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, I know the story is getting tiring, and honestly I'm kind of losing motivation too, but I don't want to leave it unfinished. I really want to write the whole plot as I imagined it when I first designed this story.


	52. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe no one's pointing out how many typos there were in the last chapter, you guys need to call me out more ;w;   
> Anyways, I have commitment issues, and can't stick to one fanfiction, so now that I've been regularly posted two other ones, I decided to mess up that schedule and came back to Bad to You :D

Oikawa never would have thought that one drink could mess him up so much. Yet there he was, on his knees, shaking, gagging, as his stomach tried to get rid of liquid that wasn’t there anymore. Worst thing was, he no longer felt high, which only amplified the pain of coming down. 

Kageyama was with him, resting on the edge of the bathtub. Watching over Oikawa felt so natural to him, and it seemed like he didn’t question the nature of the situation at all. 

“This is awful”, the brunette whined, shifting away from the toilet. He never hated himself more than in that moment. His whole body was covered in sweat, his hair stuck to his forehead, he could feel his insides rearranging, as his body tried to fight against the foreign substance in his bloodstream. 

It was only fair, he brought this upon himself. 

“Bokuto said you’ll be fine”, Kageyama said, his worries from the night prior vanished. Oikawa wasted his time, once again, and it seemed that the setter finally made peace with the realisation. His coach called to scold him as soon as he reported that he will be absent, and it put him in a sour mood. Or rather the fact that he is missing an important practice game for nothing did. After all, Oikawa made it clear that they won’t be getting back together despite the situation. 

It took a few hours for Oikawa to feel slightly better than horrible. After a shower and one bite out of a massive breakfast that Bokuto made for everyone out of whatever he could find in the fridge, Oikawa laid on the couch wrapped in multiple blankets. Kageyama sat on the floor, resting his head on the couch as he looked at the ceiling, rethinking his life choices. 

It was absolutely silent, and both Hinata and Bokuto tried to ignore the awkward atmosphere, by overriding it with even more awkward small talk about volleyball. 

Everyone’s heads turned suddenly, as a key turning in the door could be heard. Oikawa swallowed hard knowing that he’s in big trouble now. 

“Iwa-chan, you’re early”, the brunette greeted, not making effort to move from his spot on the couch. Iwaizumi looked exhausted, he probably drove all night to get home just to see this mess for himself. His girlfriend was there too, she waved at Oikawa without even looking at him and made a beeline for Iwaizumi’s bedroom. 

“Alright, I’m back now, everyone can go home”, Iwaizumi announced matter of factly, dropping his bag by the door. 

“I can’t believe you snitched on me”, Oikawa said suddenly, nudging Kageyama’s arm with his elbow, as the setter began to stand up.

“What are you? 12? This is Iwaizumi’s house, of course I had to tell him we’re all here”, Kageyama replied, sounding as exhausted as Iwaizumi looked. 

“Can I stay?”, this time Kageyama turned to Iwaizumi, and Oikawa felt a ball form in his throat. He still wanted to stay with him? After all this? 

“No”, Iwaizumi shut the idea down, crossing his arms. 

“But I-“

“I said no.” 

The setter appeared lost in the middle of the living room, like a child that’s just been scolded. 

“It’s not a good idea, just take care of yourself, okay?”, Iwaizumi softened his approach, patting Kageyama’s shoulder gently, as he passed him in the door. 

Hinata and Bokuto already had their shoes on, ready to leave. Neither of them knew what to say to Iwaizumi, so they both remained silent, until it was time to bid rushed goodbyes, when Kageyama was ready to leave. 

Oikawa didn’t blink away for a second while Kageyama was leaving, but the setter wouldn’t look at him. It hurt, but he knew it was right. 

“Oikawa, let me get this straight. You were doing so well, right? And then, you pay for me and my girlfriend to have a little get away, which by the way, looked extremely expensive, just so that you can do drugs?”, Iwaizumi sat on the couch, forcing Oikawa to move his legs and sit up as well. 

“It wasn’t like that, I didn’t plan it”, the brunette began making excuses. It was true, he didn’t, it was a coincidence that he was given ingredients for lean when he was feeling low. 

Although, he regretted drinking it, since seeing Kageyama and hearing about what he has been up to made him feel even worse. He knew that Kageyama was as single as he was and it was fine for him to be with Hinata. They haven’t been dating for months now. One thing that therapy taught him was that he shouldn’t feel entitled to Kageyama, as if he was an object with no feelings, desires or ambitions of his own. Rationalising this to himself made his heart clench, but he was glad that he managed to show Kageyama how much he changed since they last met. 

The only issue was, that Kageyama didn’t seem to be happy about it. 

“You never plan things and then it turns out like this. I can’t believe you called Kageyama so many times, what were you thinking?”, Iwaizumi sighed, this time making direct eye contact with the brunette. 

“I wasn’t. I was being stupid, I’m sorry, I-“ 

“If you were feeling bad you could have called the hospital anyways, you know that right? It’s not like codeine is illegal, it would fall under misuse.” 

“How do you-“ 

“We googled it on the way”, he meant himself and his girlfriend. Oikawa suddenly felt guilty for forcing them to cut their get away short. 

“You’re the best, you know?”, the brunette took Iwaizumi’s hand in his. 

“I know, you would be dead without me”, Iwaizumi took his hand away, a little embarrassed by Oikawa’s random display of affection.


	53. Interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, guys, hear me out ;w;  
> I know that the last few chapters were angst packed and heavy, and you probably expected a little relief period or something, but killing the momentum with a lighthearted chapter wouldn't be right for the plot at this point, as we're nearing the end (we're 2/3 there, I promise).  
> So please brace through a little more of this angsty bs I'm throwing out here, it will pay off ;w;
> 
> Also, my chapters should have less mistakes now, since I have a beta reader! Thank you so much to liliies for checking over my work, it's greatly appreciated :D
> 
> 'aight, town meeting over, enjoy the chapter 
> 
> Beta: liliies

For the following weeks Oikawa is nothing but active. Perhaps even hyper-active, Iwaizumi would silently observe one of these days, as Oikawa came back from university, and almost instantly left again, destined for work. During the past weeks he hasn’t heard about his progress with therapy, other than that he went to it. What was more concerning, not a word about Kageyama either. 

He wondered if Oikawa moved on. If his feelings for the boy fizzled out after their last encounter. After experiencing the setters pathetic clinginess and addiction to him. 

Iwaizumi’s speculations have been disproved on a warm, Saturday evening. The last rays of sun spilled through the curtains, creating a zebra pattern of light and darkness across the floor of the living room. It was a peaceful day. Oikawa decided to relax at home, which lately became a rare opportunity for Iwaizumi to spend some time with him. When he returned from work, the food was already waiting for him on the table. The brunette beamed at him, forcing him to eat the simple curry he made, almost instantly, barely giving him a chance to wash his hands. 

“Disgusting”, he commented under his nose, although Oikawa’s attempt wasn’t half bad. 

“You’re disgusting Iwa-chan”, the brunette stuck out his tongue, trying to provoke a response. Soon they were bickering, just like they did during their high school years. It made him happy, truly happy, to see his friend heal. Slowly, step by step, the Oikawa he knew was coming back to him, and Iwaizumi was anticipating the day when the brunette will no longer need to rely on him. 

The sun was setting, vengefully bleeding through the curtains more intensely than before, making it hard to make out the shapes on the TV. Irritated, Oikawa closed the curtains fully, and soothing darkness embraced the room. Or rather, devoured it, allowing the light from the TV to reach their eyes. 

Iwaizumi wished it didn’t.

They were watching the news. The sports segment began with information about volleyball and he felt Oikawa stiffen against him on the couch. By now he was used to the brunette cuddling up next to him too close for comfort. 

A replay of a graceful setter dump made by none other than Kageyama Tobio was played more than three times. In the corner of his eye, Iwaizumi could see Oikawa smiling slightly, although his chocolate eyes were overflowing with an ugly mixture of sadness and envy. Despite that, it appeared that Oikawa was proud of Kageyama’s success in his own way, almost living vicariously through him in that moment. 

The news moved on to a short interview, and the highlight that has been picked up for broadcasting made Iwaizumi clench his teeth in what could only be called, second-hand anger. 

_”And for last, a more personal question if I may”_ , the athletic looking interviewer flashed a fake smile at Kageyama, which nodded, his expression not betraying any emotion. 

_”What kind of relationship do you have with Oikawa Tooru?”_ , the question instantly created tension. Oikawa looked distraught at the sound of his own name. Following the invasive question was a short litany of instances in which the two have been seen together, and even mention of pictures on their social media of each other, which although, kept rare, did not go unnoticed. 

Kageyama straightened, and without missing a beat said:

_“I don’t know who that is.”_

The interview cut off there, the interviewer clearly too disturbed by the odd answer to wrap it up appropriately during filming. 

Iwaizumi heard Oikawa’s sobs before he even turned to look at him. The brunette was covering his mouth, trying not to expose that he’s crying. He was failing miserably. And yet, Iwaizumi pretended not to notice, looking straight ahead at what was now a dull weather report. 

Next, a movie began, after almost twenty minutes of commercials. It was as uninspiring as the weather report before it, but Iwaizumi didn’t dare to pry his eyes away from the screen. Oikawa was still going, his eyes not even remotely beginning to dry. 

_He will be completely dehydrated._

A thought crossed his mind, but he decided to wait, before he makes a move for some water. The situation felt too fragile, somehow different than all the other times; when he effortlessly lulled his friend into comfort with affection and encouragement. Something told him this time it just wouldn’t work. 

When the worst movie ever directed neared the end, Iwaizumi couldn’t stand it any longer. Oikawa cried for so long that his sobs morphed into odd choking sounds and small coughs. When he brought him water, the brunette didn’t meet his eyes, embarrassed by his outburst. 

“I’m so confused right now”, the brunette muttered, knowing that his friend wants an explanation. 

Iwaizumi knew better than to question Oikawa, given the situation, and left him to his own devices for the night.


	54. Cigarettes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta: liliies

Oikawa was comfortable. It was a Sunday, and it was only 3pm, but he already felt drowsy from the lack of sleep the night before. Snug in between Kuroo’s legs, resting his back against the others chest, he relished the moment. The body heat of the man on which he leaned on only amplified the sensation of sleep creeping upon him. However, the cigarette stench was disgusting enough to keep him awake. He was in Kuroo’s house, and couldn’t exactly tell him off for smoking at his own place. 

“You’re gonna taste like shit”, he took a jab at him nonetheless. Kuroo just shrugged behind him, making Oikawa’s head bounce on his arm slightly. 

“As if I’m kissing anyone anytime soon”, the man’s chest shook with laughter, and Oikawa could feel it’s vibrations go through his own body. 

“True, true”, the brunette replied absent mindedly. 

Earlier that day he met with Shimizu outside her office hours. Her reaction to his newly found issue displeased him and he realised he doesn’t want to go home. Self-destructive tendencies led him right to Kuroo’s doorstep, where he was greeted with a _“oya, I was going to go see you today. Day off?”_. It felt natural by now to seek comfort from Kuroo, and as much as he valued Iwaizumi, he knew that his friend found it hard to relate to his issues. Kuroo on the other hand, never needed any explanations. 

_”She said Iwa-chan has a parental role in my life, what a pile of crap”_ , Oikawa unloaded his dissatisfaction with therapy on Kuroo one time. 

_”Damn, never saw you as the kind of guy to have daddy issues”_ , Kuroo teased, but then followed with:

 _”She makes a lot of sense though, that therapist of yours.”_

The fact that Kuroo didn’t comment on how weird that was made Oikawa trust him more. Soon, he reported to him after almost every session, trying to find the right place for all the new pieces that Shimizu helped him find. 

_”Apparently, I’m just attached to the idea of unconditional love which Tobio provides, and not to him. Bullshit._

_”Yeah, but it’s a good explanation isn’t it?”_

It was.

It made sense.

What didn’t make sense was why his therapist would tell him that he’s doing completely fine right now. 

“She said this is a healthy response. And that I won’t need her soon so the next few sessions will be wrapping everything up”, he caught himself telling Kuroo all about his informal meeting with Shimizu, without even realising he’s opening up to him again. 

“That’s good, isn’t it?”, Kuroo asked calmly, caressing Oikawa’s arm in long gentle strokes. It eased the brunette into giving an honest reply. He wanted to be angry, but the heat evaporated from him before the response left his mouth, and sounded weak:

“I- I don’t know, to be honest. I hated all this therapy bullshit when I started, but now I got used to it and-”, he sighed, turning his head to press his forehead into Kuroo’s neck, “it just doesn’t feel right. At times, it feels like I’m more of a mess now than I was before, I’m just- I’m just-”

“Slow down”, Kuroo’s hand was suddenly covering his mouth. It was a gentle, but commanding gesture. 

“I bawled my eyes out until 5am, and she says that’s healthy”, Oikawa sighed when Kuroo took his hand away. He completely lost his previous train of thought. 

“Crying is healthy, it makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why Kageyama didn’t just say that you were his senpai in middle school.”

“I don’t know, when we saw each other last it all seemed fine. He said he loved me. A lot. And now he says he has no idea who I am on television. It gives me anxiety.”

“Did you try to talk to him about it? Could just be a misunderstanding”, Kuroo said, his tone casual. Nevertheless, he pressed Oikawa a little tighter against his chest when he felt him tense. 

“No, I didn’t. And I don’t know if I should”, the brunette sounded unsure of himself. 

“Of course you should, just ask, it won’t hurt”, Kuroo nudged him lightly. 

_It might hurt._

Nevertheless, with enough encouragement from his friend, Oikawa reached for his phone and after an awkwardly long pause he called. 

Instantly, there was a response: 

“The number you have dialed, cannot accept your call-”, the metallic female voice rung in his ears, and he hanged up before she could continue.

“Guess his phone is switched off”, Kuroo shrugged, not thinking much of it. 

“Or he blocked me”, Oikawa’s brows furrowed, anxiety building up in his stomach. 

“Try from my phone”, the phone was passed. This time Oikawa dialed the number without hesitation. There was signal. He knew he should have just hanged up after checking if the phone was switched off, but he couldn’t resist. 

“Hello?”, Kageyama picked up, and his voice was still as sweet as ever, even when distorted by the poor speaker quality of Kuroo’s phone. 

“Tobio, why-”

“Oikawa?”

“Yeah, I-”

“Don’t call me.”, the words came through, and knocked the air out of Oikawa’s lungs. He listened to the beeps signalising that Kageyama ended the call for a little too long. Only after Kuroo slipped his phone out of Oikawa’s hand he realised that he hasn’t moved an inch, and it must have seemed disturbing. 

“Guess I was blocked.”

“Guess you were”, Kuroo didn’t prompt him to speak further, instead, hugging the brunette tightly. Oikawa threw his head back slightly, making space for Kuroo against his neck, where the man soon put his own head. The physical closeness made him feel vulnerable, and soon, tears rolled down his cheeks. His organism, exhausted, allowed him to cry for no longer than a minute. 

Oikawa’s eyes fixated on the fruit bowl on the coffee table in front of him, and after a little while he reached for an apple. Kuroo was pulled with him, not willing to let go. He missed it by an inch, and huffed in frustration. Kuroo chuckled behind him, and reached for the apple over him. After taking it from the bowl effortlessly, he passed it to the brunette. 

Without wasting his breath on a thank you, Oikawa took a bite straight away. He knew Kuroo only did that to irritate him, by pressing his face almost into the table while he bent to get that extra inch.

He ate in silence, and Kuroo took up smoking again. 

“Should we watch something?”, finally, Oikawa spoke, his head turned to face his friend. His eyes red from crying, glossy lips tinted pink, residue moisture from the apple still clinging to them. 

“You’re so handsome”, Kuroo ignored his question, bringing his hand up to cup the brunettes’ cheek. 

“I know”, Oikawa said softly. He wanted to roll his eyes and laugh the comment off, but couldn’t bring himself to look away from his friends heavy lidded eyes. 

_This is a bad idea_ , he thought, feeling his heart gallop in his chest. 

“You would probably taste like apples now”, Kuroo mused, inching closer like he was in a trance. The position hurt Oikawa’s neck, and he knew that it must hurt Kuroo too, but neither of them was willing to break the tension between them. 

_Don’t_ , he thought, but at the same time his lips moved on his own, and he said:

“You wouldn’t know unless you try”, prompting Kuroo to close the gap between them and taking Oikawa’s bottom lip in between his own, sucking on it gently. Despite expecting that exact outcome when he said those words, Oikawa couldn’t help but let out a surprised moan at the sensation. Now that the tension between them eased, he pulled Kuroo away slightly to readjust himself. He turned to face the black haired man, straddling him. Then, he leaned down to continue their kiss. 

Kuroo laced his fingers through the brunette’s hair, pulling on them slightly. This caused Oikawa to let out another low whimper, and Kuroo pushed his tongue through the now parted lips. 

As predicted, he tasted of cigarettes; his tongue instantaneous and urgent, as it wiggled and pulsated in Oikawa’s mouth, trying to entice his own tongue to play. Unable to resist, the brunette gave in, his body melting in Kuroo’s arms while he reciprocated the vigorous kiss.

The safety, the comfort, the pleasure, that Kuroo would always provide; Oikawa craved it all. At the same time, he was scared of crossing a line they drew months ago. He felt so frail, clinging to him, as if he were the only solid thing among this storm of swaying, contradicting emotions. With an impatient wiggle of his hips, he forced the man under him to stirr. Kuroo grasped Oikawa’s hips firmly, and pulled him down, ceasing his movements. 

“This is a bad idea”, he whispered, against the brunette’s lips, his warm breath tickling the sensitive skin. The echo of his own thoughts in Kuroo’s mouth brought him back to reality. 

What was he doing? 

Was he really willing to use his friend’s body as a distraction to make himself feel better, even if it meant risking their friendship? 

“Sorry”, Kuroo murmured, resting his forehead against the brunette’s arm. Oikawa sighed in relief, petting his friends hair gently. 

“You should be, you tasted like shit. I think it’s time to quit”, he teased, forcing out a muffled laugh from Kuroo. 

“Bokuto said something similar.”

“Ah, so it’s about that?”, Oikawa asked, curling a strand of his friends’ hair around his fingers. 

“Yeah. He has been avoiding me since”, an elaboration came, and the brunette realised he had no idea how to help. He wasn’t good at cheering people up. 

On the night of his little lean incident, a lot has happened that he wasn’t fully aware of. Bokuto spoke with Kuroo, exasperated at the man's ignorance. Oikawa could only imagine how it must have felt, to listen to your crush complain about being rejected by the same person for the nth time. He didn’t blame Bokuto for finally cutting the friendship off. 

Over the months, he learned who the real _”kitten”_ was. Kozume Kenma, Kuroo’s childhood friend. The nickname suited him perfectly, and upon meeting him briefly, Oikawa understood why Kuroo was so smitten with the blonde beauty. Kenma was indifferent to everything in the world, apart from his nintendo, which only made it more rewarding when he paid attention. And he paid Kuroo a lot of attention; smiling at his jokes from time to time, responding to his teasing, blushing at his crude remarks. Nevertheless, he wasn’t interested in Kuroo, in the romantic sense, and made it fairly clear. 

Bokuto was almost always with them, and when Kenma left, and Kuroo’s strained smile faded, he was the one to pick up the pieces and entertain his friend until his sour mood turned bright again. The effort; however, did not match the reward, as Kuroo would not pay Bokuto much mind, and happily crawl back to Kenma to try again, once he was back on his feet. 

After Oikawa parted with them that night, Kuroo and Bokuto were left alone. Once again, the black haired man unloaded his disappointment and bitterness on his friend, but this time Bokuto wasn’t going to let him cry on his shoulder. He was tired of ignoring his own feelings and putting Kuroo’s first, so that time he decided to prioritise himself. Kuroo didn’t let him go, agitated by his friends abrasive behaviour, and at that point Bokuto confronted him. Regurgitating years of lone suffering in the shadows, while the man he loved chased after someone unattainable.  
_I’m in love with you_ , escaped him, as a part of a larger argument. A phone call from Kageyama came at a convenient time, and allowed Bokuto to escape the embarrassing situation, using Oikawa as an excuse. Ever since, he’s been avoiding Kuroo like the plague.

At first, Kuroo was angry with his friend, _”how was I supposed to know, he never said anything”_ , he kept up a defensive stance.

Then, came remorse, _”you noticed, how could I not, we were always so close”_ , he would antagonise himself, drowning in sorrow and self pity. 

They haven’t mentioned it since the time Kuroo explained what had happened, but it was clear that the awkward situation bothered him. 

“Wait, what do you mean, “he said something similar”, you never kissed, right?”, the meaning behind the seemingly innocent statement dawned on Oikawa. 

“We did. Once”, Kuroo replied briefly, nuzzling against Oikawa’s neck.

“And you never bothered mentioning it?”, the brunette pulled Kuroo away by the hair, forcing the man to look at him. 

“It was ages ago, back then I didn’t think it meant anything, I was really drunk. I always thought I was forcing myself on him that time, and was just glad he never mentioned it again”, he elaborated unwillingly, wincing at the strong grip Oikawa had on him. The brunette released the hair from between his fingers, letting Kuroo drop his head back on his shoulder. 

“You guys are such a mess”, he sighed, frustrated with their situation. 

“Look who’s talking”, Kuroo teased, reminding Oikawa of the unpleasant predicament he found himself in with Kageyama.

“Do you think it’s the end?”

“I can’t force him to stay with me, but I can’t imagine falling out of love with Tobio”, he smiled slightly, although Kuroo couldn’t see it.


	55. Moved on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very ambiguous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had about 5 different versions of this chapter in my head. In one they explosively argued in the kitchen, in another there was no confrontation at all, idk why but I struggled with this one a lot and it put me in a writers block. 
> 
> But, but, but, here I am with this version. 
> 
> Maybe one day when I reread this whole thing I will change it completely and replace it with a dysfunctional fight or complete silence, but for now this mellowish route seems like a good choice so I will stick with it.

Speaking to Hinata became close to impossible. Every time Kageyama opened his mouth, his brain struggled to formulate an adequate sentence, and in the end his lips simply pursed again. The silence killed him slowly, ringing in his head, as he stared at the ceiling of the living room. In the past, Hinata would be in the middle of telling him all about his day right now; too excited about meeting a cute dog in the park or bragging about a deal he got at the convenience store. Now, they both pretended to sleep in separate rooms, in an apartment so quiet that even the dust piling up on the TV stand seemed to make noise.

In the past few weeks they shared the bed, it was big enough for the two of them and it was convenient to have Hinata wake him up enthusiastically each morning. The realisation that sharing bed was probably not as meaningless to Hinata, as it was to him, struck Kageyama when he finally moved to the couch. He didn’t particularly mind sleeping there in the past, but it became such a significant item in the fallout with his best friend that he could no longer look at it without being reminded of what had started there. 

_”Let me”_ , he remembered Hinata’s tone vividly. It was sweet and desperate. They were both drunk, and it was impressive they made it to the couch. 

_”Alright”_ , to think that he just giggled in response and allowed Hinata to straddle him; his stomach twisted uncomfortably at the memory. At the time he simply thought that the boy wanted to unbutton his shirt, and observed with a lazy smile, as Hinata did just that. 

_”Hey, what are you-”_ , the rest of the question got devoured by the redheads greedy lips, as the boy gave up halfway on unbuttoning Kageyama’s shirt, and instead laced his fingers behind the setters head, pulling him close. The kiss was hungry, desperate and at the time Kageyama thought, _I know how you feel, I’m the same_. His mind went blank, he embraced Hinata, before grabbing him by the nape and forcing him to pull away. The boy winced, ready to be scolded, but Kageyama just took a deep breath. 

_”I asked: what are you doing?”_ , his tone was calm, nevertheless Hinata fidgeted in his lap uneasily before answering. 

_”Kissing you.”_

_”I noticed that. Why?”_

_”Why not?”_ , there was a sudden defiance poking through Hinata’s defeated attitude. 

_”Because…”_

_Because you’re in love with me._

_”Just let it happen. I will teach you a trick or two”_ , Hinata smiled so easily, as if there were no consequences to his words. 

_”Hinata, I don’t think this is a-”_ , despite the intoxication he had enough reason to at least argue. 

_”It will just be a one off, and then neither of us will ever mention it again”_ , the redhead moved his hips, grinding against him. He maintained eye contact with Kageyama, it was magnetic and he couldn’t look away from the boys’ lustful eyes. 

_”It’s not like you don’t want to”_ , Hinata continued cunningly, and as Kageyama allowed his hands to trail down to the boys’ hips, gripping them tight seemingly to cease all movement, he knew that he will give in. 

The rest of that night passed in a blur, everything seemed to happen fast. Kageyama remembered bits and pieces:

Hinata took out lube and condoms from the drawer in the bedside table that night.  
_He went through my stuff. He knew exactly where it was although I never showed him._

The face Hinata made when he worked his fingers into him, all his emotions reflected in his features.  
_He’s so easy to read._

The way he clung to him after all was said and done, scared of being tossed away with the used up tissues.  
_I’m sorry._

Hinata cried right after they finished, releasing the build up of emotions, and Kageyama held him tight unable to shake off the guilt. He sobered up halfway through, but it was too late to back out. 

Although Hinata said that nothing will change, things changed. Kageyama knew he was an idiot thinking it would be otherwise. Guilt chipped away at him, he felt like he betrayed Oikawa by giving in and complying with what Hinata wanted. He always assured the brunette that he has nothing to worry about, that they are just friends, and now they slept together. 

They had sex and it was fun. 

But it didn’t mean it could happen again. 

Hinata seemed to think otherwise. Kageyama could tell that for the next few days he looked for opportunities to repeat what happened, clinging to him even more than before. He couldn’t blame him, it was his fault for going along with it. 

The pressure, and the expectations from the redhead were a lot to handle. Hinata never said anything, not openly, but Kageyama would often catch him with a menacing glare, the question _”have you moved on?”_ floating between them, bringing down the atmosphere. Although the boy appeared to be a domesticated cat, he was more like a starved puma, waiting for his prey to fall into its paws. It didn’t escape Kageyama’s attention, Hinata made it obvious enough that he was waiting. For anything, a hint, a glance, the tiniest sign that the setter was over his ex. 

Kageyama’s head was a mess. He felt claustrophobic in his own mind, filled with fear of how Oikawa will react when he finds out about this - because he definitely will somehow - and guilt for giving Hinata hope that something could change between them. 

Kageyama hoped it could change. He wished he could fall out of love with Oikawa, flip the switch and love his best friend. Hinata seemed like he would be easy to love, so thoughtful and honest, always putting Kageyama’s feelings first. But it didn’t work like that. Even when he looked at Hinata’s cute face as he thrusted deeply into him, he couldn’t help but think _”he’s so different from Tooru”_. 

It would have been so much easier if he never met Oikawa. If only he ignored his text messages in high school, maybe he would be a different person now. Surrounded by friends, perhaps even dating Hinata. 

With a heavy heart, he decided to fix things. He couldn’t handle the silence anymore. The floorboards whined under his feet, Hinata definitely knew that he was outside of the bedroom door. Kageyama knocked, anxiety building up in his stomach. 

“Hinata?”, he called out. 

Silence. Then, shuffling of the covers, and finally footsteps. 

The door opened slightly, and Hinata peeked out.

“Please, can we just talk?”, Kageyama found himself begging.

“About?”, Hinata asked defensively. Kageyama already said he’s sorry, many times, and there was not much more besides that he could say. 

“Are we- Is this-”, for such a big man, Kageyama appeared awfully meek.

“Spit it out Bakeyama”, Hinata’s tone was suddenly softer. They are going to be okay.

“Are we not friends anymore?”, he asked finally, almost shouting. This time he was the one with desperation in his eyes. He couldn’t lose his best friend over this. 

“I want to”, the redhead said, he took Kageyama’s hand and led him to the bed. They sat down across from each other. 

“But I don’t think I can be friends with someone that doesn’t value me at all. I love you”, Kageyama’s heart sunk at the words, “but I never let that affect my judgement.”  
It wasn’t true, but Kageyama didn’t argue. 

“You can’t do the same, Kageyama. As soon as Oikawa is in the picture you lose sight of everything. I’m not angry at you for saying that it was just a one night stand, we both knew that, you made it very clear. I’m angry that you dismissed my concern for you as a result of that. We both knew you wasted your time there, missed out practice, got in trouble, and nothing between you two changed. And yet you got mad at me for telling you to leave”, it was probably the first time that Hinata spoke so calmly and clearly. His words weren’t filled with emotions, whams and bams. It felt odd and scary to have such a serious conversation. 

“I know”, was all he could say. 

Hinata looked at him expectedly. 

“I know, but I can change”, he added under pressure of those menacing brown eyes. 

_Have you moved on yet?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl, as the author I'm not siding with anyone there, but I like reading your comments and seeing different interpretations of what's going on, since I always leave things one sided so we never really know what all characters feel.
> 
> But just to say:
> 
> \- Kageyama could have said a firm no, but he didn't.  
> \- Hinata didn't have to pressure his friend into anything, but he did. 
> 
> It's never just black and white.


	56. Give Me Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little humorous break that everything has been leading up to so far.

“Shittykawa… You’re insane”, Iwaizumi choked out, not fully able to comprehend what he was looking at. Oikawa on the other hand appeared to be extremely pleased with himself, as he presented his efforts to his best friend. 

“Shimizu said I’m fine”, the brunette pouted, irritated that the people around him don’t appreciate his genius. 

“I suddenly lost faith in her credibility as a doctor”, Iwaizumi muttered. 

“Come on, don’t be like that, I think it’s romantic”, his girlfriend chipped in, although at first she was as shocked as Iwaizumi. 

“Right?”, Oikawa chirped, smiling brightly. 

“You must be a sociopath, I mean, who the fuck plans like this?”, Iwaizumi sighed resigned, looking at the details on the scattered papers that Oikawa laid out on the table. 

“Every business plans like this!”, the brunette defended. 

“You’re a single man, not a corporation!”

“You don’t have to rub it in”, Oikawa pretended to be hurt. 

“It’s a five year plan. You’re telling me, that in five years you plan to win Kageyama back. Do you know how long five years is?”, Iwaizumi picked up one of the pages titled _year 3_.

“Five years is nothing.”

“And you will be in love with Kageyama for the next five years, without seeing him once? Don’t you think that’s one of the most fucked up things you’ve ever came up with? It’s more obsessive than that time when you hoarded Kageyama related memorabilia”, his tone was calm, but there was a clear strain in his voice that signalised he was on edge. He didn’t need Oikawa getting himself into any more trouble and wasting his life away like this, just when he started getting better. 

“According to Shimizu I’ve been in love with him since middle-school, so what’s additional five years going to change?”, Oikawa put his hands on his hips, ready to argue about this. 

“Crushing and being in love are two different things.”

“No, they aren’t.”

“Yes, they are.”

“Tooru, why do you even need Hajime’s approval for this?”, Iwaizumi’s girlfriend chuckled, clearly amused by their bickering about minor details. 

“Why? What do you mean why?” Oikawa asked, but they both seemed caught off guard by the sudden question. It was true that he was an adult man and didn’t need someone else to decide things for him, but it felt wrong to proceed without getting Iwaizumi’s seal of approval. Almost as if he was breaking an unspoken rule. 

“Well, I don’t know-”, the brunette started, his brows knitted tightly in confusion at his own actions. 

“It doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want. Since some of these points, or rather, most of the first two years of the plan focus on your career, even if it doesn’t work out between you two at least you accomplish your _other_ dreams”, Iwaizumi interrupted his awkward explanation of their weird friendship. 

“Really?”, Oikawa instantly cheered up, the bright smile making a reappearance on his face. 

“Yeah, of course. But how do you plan to become a setter for a professional volleyball team in Argentina? Do you even know any Spanish?”, Iwaizumi scrutinised the contents of _year 1_ section of the plan. 

“Well, I didn’t tell you this because you would freak out, but”, Oikawa swallowed hard, suddenly anxious, “a club from Argentina League wanted to recruit me”, the brunette fiddled with his sleeves. 

“Recruit you? When?”

“Six months ago.”

“Six months ago?!”, Iwaizumi threw the papers he was holding in his hand on the table and they landed with a loud thump, “and you’re telling me this now?!”

“W-well, I couldn’t leave before I completed therapy”, Oikawa tried to laugh it off. It took a few seconds for Iwaizumi to calm down, he couldn’t believe that his friend just threw away a chance like this for the sake of his relationship with Kageyama. 

“And you think they will be willing to take you in now, after all this time? They probably found someone else already.”

“I emailed them last week, sent some more tapes of me playing at university and they said the offer still stands,”, the brunette crossed his arms, “you have no faith in me at all, Iwa-chan.” 

Their conversation dragged on, as they examined different parts of Oikawa’s insane five year plan to get his ex back. It was complex and detailed, Iwaizumi could tell that Oikawa put a lot of thought into everything that has to happen in order for him to get his lover back. It surprised him that he didn’t get disheartened after Kageyama harshly rejected him by blocking his number, but Oikawa was full of surprises. 

That night, as he laid in bed staring at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but feel a pressure of inevitable fate that has led to this moment in their lives. Iwaizumi was never the one to believe in horoscopes, or magic, or that whole predestination nonsense. But at that moment it dawned on him, that something so psychotic won’t work unless it is down to fate. Oikawa was so sure that his reckless plan will work, that just one appearance back in Kageyama’s life will fix everything. And Iwaizumi hoped that it will work too, because he couldn’t imagine the heartbreak Oikawa will suffer through if it doesn’t.


	57. No One Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The timeline of this fanfiction is all over the place, enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the extensive comments with your thoughts about what's going on here, it motivated me so much that I threw together a double update :D

“Are you an athlete or a sissy?!”, the coach was angry. Very angry. Again. 

Kageyama stood frozen in front of the whole team, his eyes glued to the floor. _An athlete or a sissy, what kind of question-_

“An athlete, sir”, he replied calmly. 

“Are you sure about that?!”

“Yes sir”, Kageyama slowly looked up at the coach. He was furious, but he couldn’t let his emotions control him. 

Some cheap tabloid picked up on the hints that he and Oikawa dated in the past and took interest. When he was confronted about it by his team, he said that it was true. The situation was already officially dealt with, the magazine’s were bribed not to mention their suspicions and Kageyama evaded questions about his private life during a live interview. No one appeared particularly phased by this, apart from their coach. So far it earned him a long lecture, including many rhetorical questions and weirdly specific insults about his sexual orientation. It was the first time someone so openly hated him for who he was, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it, so he just stood there, fisting his shorts, unable to defend himself against the coach. 

“I think that’s enough”, one of their managers stepped in, putting his hand on the coaches’ shoulder. That only railed him up more. 

“Enough?! This could jeopardize the whole team!”

“It’s not that serious”, one of his teammates spoke up. 

“Not that serious?! If this gets out, you think it won’t affect you? You will be lumped with the likes of him”, the venom of these words was met with an almost audible hiss of pain coming from his team, but it didn’t affect Kageyama anymore. All he could do was stand there and take it. It will be over soon enough, he will get bored if he doesn’t get a reaction. Dealing with Oikawa for years taught him at least that much. 

“Why is that a bad thing?”, someone else asked, and Kageyama’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Why is-!”, 

“Exactly, being put into one basket with such a talented player is an honour. I don’t see why it would be a bad thing”, their capitan cut off the coach. The situation was seemingly diffused by that comment, their coach abandoned his lecture and after a few seconds began speaking about their upcoming games again. 

Despite the change of subject Kageyama couldn’t relax. His muscles remained tensed as they changed, although his team assured him that they don’t agree with the way their coach spoke to him. The long drive home didn’t calm his nerves either, his heart kept racing as his brain replayed the coach's lecture over and over in his head. He hoped that once he gets home Hinata will distract him. 

“I’m moving out”, Hinata announced as soon as Kageyama got through the door. 

“What?”, he asked dumbly, not fully comprehending the situation. 

“Yeah, I-”, the redhead paused mid-sentence, what he was about to say next was clearly too painful for him to say out loud. At that time Kageyama noticed that Bokuto was in the house too, standing next to two bags, the same bags that Hinata brought with him when he first moved in. 

“He didn’t make it on the team, _this time around_ ”, Bokuto announced gravely, stressing the latter part of the sentence, convinced that it was only a matter of time before Hinata gets accepted. 

“I’m sorry to hear that”, Kageyama replied, feeling his throat tighten.

_Could this day get any worse?_

“It doesn’t mean that you have to leave immediately though, right?”, he asked cautiously. It seemed that they patched things up, that everything was back to normal. Why would Hinata leave so suddenly? Why would he leave when Kageyama needed him more than ever? 

“You know why I’m leaving”, Hinata replied curtly, picking up one of the bags. Bokuto following his lead, picked up the other. 

“I just can’t stay with you like this, maybe for you this is fine, but it’s killing me inside. I will stay with Kenma until I decide where to go from here”, his tone was deprived of emotion, it was a rehearsed line and even Kageyama could tell that Hinata knew this moment would come. 

He couldn’t stop him. 

There was nothing he could offer him. 

They left, and it was the second time the click of his apartment door lock hurt so badly. Unable to think clearly, he sat down on the couch. He wanted to cry, but tears didn’t come, so instead he looked at the way too expensive coffee machine that he bought for Oikawa last year, thinking about all his recent mistakes. It dawned on him that he was completely alone in the world, with no one to comfort him or torment him. He so desperately wanted to be in Oikawa’s arms at that moment, but that was no longer an option. Oikawa rejected him, and Hinata left. 

There was no one left.


	58. Orange

The warmth of another person after such a long time was welcome. Oikawa tightened his embrace around Kageyama, silently making a promise that he will never let go again. Waking up next to the love of his life had never been something he thought he would long after. But right then he was so grateful that he had Kageyama back, all to himself. He could feel the younger mans’ lips on his forehead and he smiled. Slowly, he tilted his head to look up at Kageyama, sentences forming themselves in his head, words of love and affirmation, but when he opened his eyes he saw nothing but a white blank space. 

Quickly he realised that he was staring at his pillow. 

His heart sank, and he closed his eyes again. 

_”I’m in Rio”_ , Oikawa reminded himself. 

_”I’m alone”_ , he wanted to laugh, how silly of him to think that Kageyama was here. When this is only year one of his five year plan. Granted, it was nearing its end, but it was still only the beginning of his journey to winning his ex-lover back.

“It was a pleasant dream while it lasted”, he said, this time out loud. 

Oikawa got out of bed and stretched. How silly… He wanted to think positively so desperately. Each day he woke up, putting all of his effort into staying on track and not succumbing to depression. 

Lazily his eyes scanned the grey, compact apartment. The only colour present in the room were the orange peels scattered on the dining table, covering his neatly written Portuguese notes from the night prior. No wonder it was so hard to remain positive. 

“Let’s treat ourselves then”, he hummed, while unlocking his phone. Ignoring messages from Iwaizumi and Kuroo, he went straight to Kageyama’s instagram. 

Nothing new. 

Hinata stopped updating it a few months ago. Oikawa assumed Kageyama must have finally told him how he truly feels about that. 

He opened the most recent picture that Kageyama posted. It was of him and a few other members in a restaurant. He wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look upset either. To anyone else it would seem that the setter was simply neutral, emotionless, plain. Oikawa perceived him this way too in the past. Now, however, he appreciated the calm and collected expression that looked appealing only on Kageyama’s features. 

The picture was coincidentally taken right after the Adlers’ coach resigned. He must have truly been terrible at his job if they were celebrating after he left. 

Oikawa felt slightly better. 

While cleaning he looked at the lifeless orange peels again, the only thing brightening up the plain apartment he occupied. They reminded him of someone, who just like them made every room look just a little bit more pleasant, yet if given the chance Oikawa would throw that someone into the bin, just like he did now with the orange peels. 

He wondered how Hinata was doing.


End file.
